Dear Journal,
Today is Sunday June 28 and it is 2:02 AM. Yes another early morning post. I have been slowly sleeping a bit more. It seems my medicine might actually be working and my mania is calming down. I am losing a bit of my creativity it seems. I find things to be slowing down a bit at a time and I really am not happy about it. I still don't sleep well, but now I am starting to feel a bit tired when I wake up in the morning. In the mornings I would wake up instantly, rub my eyes and just be fine. Now I get up and have the urge to sleep more.
Funny is the other night I had my phone next to my bed. When I actually got up like before my sister got me up around 1. Funny thing is apparently I must have punched the area where the alarm was going off because my ipod on my ihome was no longer connected to the dock. My body seems to enjoy sleep a bit more once I wake up.
Maybe I will get a good night sleep? Anyway in other news it rained again today and guess what I ran outside in the rain because I liked how it felt. It was fun to run around and get drenched by the downpour and I felt good. Even though I was soaked.
However as you can see journal I have been talking a lot about sexuality and mine. Well late last night after my entry I went on facebook to see someone who I am friends with (although haven't seen in a while) post something that differs from her usual selfie where she wears skimpy outfits.
She posted about how homosexuality is a choice and how its wrong and a sin. She threw out bible quotes and other things and I couldn't help, but be insulted. Here I am questioning things maybe even partially teensy bit coming out of a closet and then I just see how people like her react. Sad thing is other people I knew and was friends with agreed with what she was saying. However on the bright side it was a minority.
Most people were calling her out on how homophobic she was, how ignorant she was being, etc. etc. She acted like she was saying the truth as if she knew what she was talking about. I decided to share a story about someone I knew. Essentially this girl in one of my classes freshman year (who I was friends with) no longer goes to my college. Why? Because her parents abandoned her once they found out about her relationship. They did not approve of how she was dating a female to male transsexual and would no longer pay for her education, let her live with them, etc. She had to beg her family to let her stay in college for another semester.
She ended up having to drop out of school and beg for money hoping people would try and help her out. She was a smart person who had real ambitions and her parents were bigots who could not accept her for who she was. She ended up having to go work jobs and pay for her own food, shelter, and medicine. Who does that to their child?
The way she spoke sounded like an argument from the Westboro Baptist Church and I was so disgusted that people I knew thought this way. I was more disgusted she believed it and thought it was the word of god.
Personally I don't know if god is real or not. Sometimes I think he is real, sometimes I doubt it. I am more agnostic, but I hate how people throw religion in an argument and it saddens me that religion is this answer to people. I just want to call out how people believe everything from a book written thousands of years ago. I think my view of religion might be better suited for another entry on its on. Probably tomorrow.
Still, it upsets me that here I am questioning everything and this homophobia gets thrown in my face. It makes me so angry and frustrated.
Showing posts with label straight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label straight. Show all posts
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Friday, June 26, 2015
So I missed a day, sue me
Dear Journal
Today is Saturday June 27 at 1:20 am. I know what you're thinking, you are being irresponsible and are not keeping up with your whole "must do 1 post a day" routine. Honestly today I got another 3:30 hours of sleep but then instead went back to sleep for another 2 hours giving me 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep. My body might be a bit desperate for sleep.
It seems kind of ironic that I spoke about possibly being bi and today (well Friday) the Supreme Court made it so gay marriage is legal in all states. Second is I might have accidentally come out to my dad without realizing it. He asked me a question resembling "if you're straight or gay I would still love you" because we were on the topic. Heartwarming. Essentially the conversation ended up with me neither admitting to being straight or gay and he was a bit confused. I passed it off though like I was keeping him in the dark. Do I want to admit that I am actually bi? I think I said I was figuring things out or what not and he was a bit confused by my statement.
I think it is hard to be called 100% straight or 100% gay because of the Kinsey Scale. I think we can admit if someone looks good regardless of gender and we might have some attraction. Although some people might not admit it.
I also got stuff done. Cleaning, not my favorite. But I mean it is some sort of accomplishment. Work here seems to be impossible to get. I got offer a crappy internship under the guise of PR, but in reality I would be in a Cosco passing out samples. Bullshit right? Not only that, but I would have to keep the stuff in my car and have to travel around 2 hours away just to get to the location. Dumb I know! I passed it up, but a part of me wonders if it was the right choice. I am not even being called in for other jobs.
I worked in a grocery store last year and they told me I could come back... It didn't happen. Basically it was "I would love to have you back, but I don't think I can." Bullshit right?
Maybe part of me is making this blog diary hoping it would become a success and perhaps I could make some money off it. But it seems no one really goes on my blog anyway. Then again it has only been a few days and I don't share it around. Not only that, but most people my age are on tumblr for blogging rather than blogger. It kinda hurts my "business"... Is this a business? I think part of me wants to be read by others, but it helps just getting it out.
Today I was also unhealthy. After years of not having McDonalds my sister suggested we get it because she was craving it. I feel like shit after eating it. My body is not used to that kind of food... Then again college food isn't the best either and is kinda fast food as well. So am I a hypocrite.
Today is Saturday June 27 at 1:20 am. I know what you're thinking, you are being irresponsible and are not keeping up with your whole "must do 1 post a day" routine. Honestly today I got another 3:30 hours of sleep but then instead went back to sleep for another 2 hours giving me 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep. My body might be a bit desperate for sleep.
It seems kind of ironic that I spoke about possibly being bi and today (well Friday) the Supreme Court made it so gay marriage is legal in all states. Second is I might have accidentally come out to my dad without realizing it. He asked me a question resembling "if you're straight or gay I would still love you" because we were on the topic. Heartwarming. Essentially the conversation ended up with me neither admitting to being straight or gay and he was a bit confused. I passed it off though like I was keeping him in the dark. Do I want to admit that I am actually bi? I think I said I was figuring things out or what not and he was a bit confused by my statement.
I think it is hard to be called 100% straight or 100% gay because of the Kinsey Scale. I think we can admit if someone looks good regardless of gender and we might have some attraction. Although some people might not admit it.
I also got stuff done. Cleaning, not my favorite. But I mean it is some sort of accomplishment. Work here seems to be impossible to get. I got offer a crappy internship under the guise of PR, but in reality I would be in a Cosco passing out samples. Bullshit right? Not only that, but I would have to keep the stuff in my car and have to travel around 2 hours away just to get to the location. Dumb I know! I passed it up, but a part of me wonders if it was the right choice. I am not even being called in for other jobs.
I worked in a grocery store last year and they told me I could come back... It didn't happen. Basically it was "I would love to have you back, but I don't think I can." Bullshit right?
Maybe part of me is making this blog diary hoping it would become a success and perhaps I could make some money off it. But it seems no one really goes on my blog anyway. Then again it has only been a few days and I don't share it around. Not only that, but most people my age are on tumblr for blogging rather than blogger. It kinda hurts my "business"... Is this a business? I think part of me wants to be read by others, but it helps just getting it out.
Today I was also unhealthy. After years of not having McDonalds my sister suggested we get it because she was craving it. I feel like shit after eating it. My body is not used to that kind of food... Then again college food isn't the best either and is kinda fast food as well. So am I a hypocrite.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Libido
Dear Journal,
Today is Thursday June 25th, and I went to bed at 6:00 AM this morning. The thing is I actually slept. For some reason even though I felt fine, my body was exhausted enough for me to sleep until 1. I would have even slept longer had I not been woken up by my sister to take her to work.
Is the medicine working? I take Lamictal at such a low dose though, it shouldn't be kicking in yet. And I feel manic still. I feel GREAT. Although today I felt slow. Like the sleep kept me back and I wonder if that is why people feel great when manic. We don't sleep and our bodies compensate. While everyone else feels drained and exhausted I feel wired.
It doesn't sound normal. If people sleep 3 hours the night before, would they have the energy to even get up, let alone run through a day and cycle of 24 hours? Maybe I am broken.
Did I crash last night? Is that what happened. Or could it be something else. This is going to be a bit embarrassing Journal, but I have kept one symptom rather secret since it is a tad embarrassing. I didn't bring it up with the doctor either, although if he asked about it I might have nodded.
The symptom, my libido, my sex drive is waaaaay up. Like beyond that of a normal teen kid (even though I am 20) the desire to have sex is so strong right now. I would like to think it is normal for people to masturbate 2 or 3 times a day, me... It is more like 10 times. One right after the other. Its like I don't even have a long refractory period after I cum (lets face it this is a journal I will not say achieve orgasm), a few minutes later I am revving to go.
So during the night I kinda have been... busy. I have done things online and participated in anonymous activities to relieve myself. Sometimes I would like to think myself as sexy and others I do not. But during these times I just crave it, every fiber of my being and my mind wants it. I think I would fuck anyone at this point. Not just girls but guys too. Am I bi or do I crave sex that much it doesn't matter who with?
I have questioned my sexuality at one point or another like many people, but now is the first time I am really thinking about it. I am in a very progressive/open household so if I happened to be bi it would not be a problem, but question is I don't know if I can admit it to myself. Am I bi? Is this the mania? If I find I am bi will I come out with it? Come out of the shoebox (It seems more fitting than a closet)
Maybe my mind is just a bit weak right now. I don't feel like I am at full strength in this manic times. I felt so creative last night, new ideas for stories or writing just poured out of me. Problem is I didn't even write it down since I was a bit busy fooling around over and over and over and over.
So today was a bit slow for me. I am not sure I liked it. Am I crashing? I DON'T WANT TO CRASH I LOVE THE MANIA!
Then again it was also raining today. You would think I am in seattle, although if you look at times I say I am writing and times it is posted you would notice it goes by EST. Is there a way to change this and put EST instead of PST on the post time?
So during the rain I had to just go outside again and stand in the rain. Then I screamed and shouted (and let it all out. it goes on and on and on and on) just to sort of let it out. I feel better in the rain. I guess it has a cleansing effect or maybe I am a romantic in my mania and would kiss a girl and fool around with her in the rain.
It seems interesting to me I automatically think about kissing a girl. Are we conditioned for this? Or is that how I truly feel in a Freudian way. Sexuality is on a Kinsey Scale and maybe I rate my attractiveness to girls higher than guys? Am I attracted to guys? Stuff to think about.
Today is Thursday June 25th, and I went to bed at 6:00 AM this morning. The thing is I actually slept. For some reason even though I felt fine, my body was exhausted enough for me to sleep until 1. I would have even slept longer had I not been woken up by my sister to take her to work.
Is the medicine working? I take Lamictal at such a low dose though, it shouldn't be kicking in yet. And I feel manic still. I feel GREAT. Although today I felt slow. Like the sleep kept me back and I wonder if that is why people feel great when manic. We don't sleep and our bodies compensate. While everyone else feels drained and exhausted I feel wired.
It doesn't sound normal. If people sleep 3 hours the night before, would they have the energy to even get up, let alone run through a day and cycle of 24 hours? Maybe I am broken.
Did I crash last night? Is that what happened. Or could it be something else. This is going to be a bit embarrassing Journal, but I have kept one symptom rather secret since it is a tad embarrassing. I didn't bring it up with the doctor either, although if he asked about it I might have nodded.
The symptom, my libido, my sex drive is waaaaay up. Like beyond that of a normal teen kid (even though I am 20) the desire to have sex is so strong right now. I would like to think it is normal for people to masturbate 2 or 3 times a day, me... It is more like 10 times. One right after the other. Its like I don't even have a long refractory period after I cum (lets face it this is a journal I will not say achieve orgasm), a few minutes later I am revving to go.
So during the night I kinda have been... busy. I have done things online and participated in anonymous activities to relieve myself. Sometimes I would like to think myself as sexy and others I do not. But during these times I just crave it, every fiber of my being and my mind wants it. I think I would fuck anyone at this point. Not just girls but guys too. Am I bi or do I crave sex that much it doesn't matter who with?
I have questioned my sexuality at one point or another like many people, but now is the first time I am really thinking about it. I am in a very progressive/open household so if I happened to be bi it would not be a problem, but question is I don't know if I can admit it to myself. Am I bi? Is this the mania? If I find I am bi will I come out with it? Come out of the shoebox (It seems more fitting than a closet)
So today was a bit slow for me. I am not sure I liked it. Am I crashing? I DON'T WANT TO CRASH I LOVE THE MANIA!
Then again it was also raining today. You would think I am in seattle, although if you look at times I say I am writing and times it is posted you would notice it goes by EST. Is there a way to change this and put EST instead of PST on the post time?
So during the rain I had to just go outside again and stand in the rain. Then I screamed and shouted (and let it all out. it goes on and on and on and on) just to sort of let it out. I feel better in the rain. I guess it has a cleansing effect or maybe I am a romantic in my mania and would kiss a girl and fool around with her in the rain.
It seems interesting to me I automatically think about kissing a girl. Are we conditioned for this? Or is that how I truly feel in a Freudian way. Sexuality is on a Kinsey Scale and maybe I rate my attractiveness to girls higher than guys? Am I attracted to guys? Stuff to think about.
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