So I have been on my medicine lately and I have been busy. This summer I have not been able to find a job so I decided to write a book. Yes a book. I recently finished it with around 400 pages. I worked throughout the summer and spent many manic moments writing.
Problem with my blog is I question if people read it. I saw people from another country read my blog. I was shocked. Why read me? Frankly I thought blogger was kind of dead.
I have been having a lot of fights recently with people. Some petty things, but arguments. I have been really aggressive lately.
I saw my deaf Aunt as well. Her son is bipolar and I asked for help about how she dealt with her son having it. I am not that close with that side of the family so it was nice to actually talk to them. I also found out she is responsible for making movie theaters have subtitle equipment for the deaf community. She is also working on the B.A.R.T to make it better for the deaf population.
This has inspired me. I have been a bit lost lately, trying to think about what I want to do as a career. People seem to tell us that we need to pick something we want at 18. College is so expensive it really seems like we have one shot. So either you do something you love or you're screwed.
On that note, I have been thinking about advocacy. My parents have been pushing me to work on the Presidential campaigns. It seems like I should do that, but I am not that interested. Even though I am a political science and communications major, I cannot stand American Politics. It seems all we do is constantly bicker and fight. One side says one thing, the other says the opposite and we cannot even get things done in the end. I would rather be more concerned about world politics since we live in a global environment. My main thing is I want to help people. So an advocacy program seems to be the right thing for me. Maybe something with a health group for Bipolar disorder.
Medicine change! I was on risperdal for a bit, and lets just say I had some bizarre reactions. I would have a lot of nose bleeds for no reason. I am prone to nose bleeds, but there were different. It was very watery, big nose bleeds, would take a long time to heal, and would start with no reason. I would sit down and then suddenly feel warm liquid something trickle down my nose and smell the metallic.
I got pretty annoyed with this so I looked it up and found out I should contact a doctor immediately if I have an issue. I am on longer on this medicine and on Abilify. It makes me sleepy and I feel drowsy all day.
Little things seem to tick me off, but the medicine helps. While I like the mania, I can reflect on how I act. There is a down side to it. A part of me wants it back. It is hard. I looked up a bunch of famous people with bipolar disorder and was stunned. Maybe I could be a great writer? Those of you probably reading this are shaking their heads. "Nope, you suck," well sorry this is more of a diary format. Screw the dear diary though, that is stupid.
I don't think I will post as periodically since when I get drugged up a lot from the medicine life seems to be a bit difficult. I REALLY want comments from people. You wont believe how much I want them. Follow or subscribe/subscribble whatever it is called on blogspot if you want to keep up with me. It motivates me to continue, and when I crash I will need motivation. But don't feel like I am twisting your arm. I am DESPERATE <---- lol. Do what you want guys. As long as you enjoy it. I have noticed a steady stream of people reading me or at least browsing so that motivated me to write this entry.
So until next time. Bysises *cough* bysies.
Showing posts with label cyclothymia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cyclothymia. Show all posts
Friday, July 31, 2015
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Update
Sorry for the lack of posts. Lets just start from the beginning
Dear Journal,
Today is Tuesday July 7th and it is 5:01 PM. So this weekend (on the fourth) I had a massive mania episode. I exploded at my sister. She ticked me off so much I started to scream and have a break down because of my mania. As you all may notice I am not one to sleep and basically the 4th did it in for me. I just could not keep my mania in check and had a tantrum.
During the argument I remembered my father asked me to go vacuum the carpet. My sister started playing her show and I started to clean furiously. I would turn off the tv preventing her from watching and then she decided she had enough with me and turned off the vacuum.
I went off. I started screaming/crying at her causing my mother to come up stairs and scream at me. Screaming really triggers mania for me. I somehow hurt my shoulder (And I dislocated the shoulder a year before) and I didn't even notice it until I was calmed down later.
My mother came up later (with an icepack) and offered to either have me get a 72 hour watch in the hospital or a therapist. I chose the therapist since I calmed down a bit. She called the doctor and the therapist who both got back to her.
The next day I was put on Seroquel and I was knocked out for the day and the next. Today I went to the therapist and we talked about me being bipolar (lets face it cylcothymia is a variant of bipolar disorder so it is easier to say I am bipolar). I am currently looking into a "crazy camp" day thing at a hospital to learn about how I can cope with my bipolar disorder and get help as well as be with people like me.
She also confirmed it, I am Bipolar. Despite what my sister says that I am faking it. It finally feels good to have someone on MY side.
Also to any readers who enjoy my content, please follow and comment. It really gives me motivation and I would love to hear any stories and tips from others who suffer from bipolar disorder and experienced their own adventure. Thanks.
Dear Journal,
Today is Tuesday July 7th and it is 5:01 PM. So this weekend (on the fourth) I had a massive mania episode. I exploded at my sister. She ticked me off so much I started to scream and have a break down because of my mania. As you all may notice I am not one to sleep and basically the 4th did it in for me. I just could not keep my mania in check and had a tantrum.
During the argument I remembered my father asked me to go vacuum the carpet. My sister started playing her show and I started to clean furiously. I would turn off the tv preventing her from watching and then she decided she had enough with me and turned off the vacuum.
I went off. I started screaming/crying at her causing my mother to come up stairs and scream at me. Screaming really triggers mania for me. I somehow hurt my shoulder (And I dislocated the shoulder a year before) and I didn't even notice it until I was calmed down later.
My mother came up later (with an icepack) and offered to either have me get a 72 hour watch in the hospital or a therapist. I chose the therapist since I calmed down a bit. She called the doctor and the therapist who both got back to her.
The next day I was put on Seroquel and I was knocked out for the day and the next. Today I went to the therapist and we talked about me being bipolar (lets face it cylcothymia is a variant of bipolar disorder so it is easier to say I am bipolar). I am currently looking into a "crazy camp" day thing at a hospital to learn about how I can cope with my bipolar disorder and get help as well as be with people like me.
She also confirmed it, I am Bipolar. Despite what my sister says that I am faking it. It finally feels good to have someone on MY side.
Also to any readers who enjoy my content, please follow and comment. It really gives me motivation and I would love to hear any stories and tips from others who suffer from bipolar disorder and experienced their own adventure. Thanks.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Just a Manic Monday (Even Though it is Tuesday Now)
Dear Journal,
Today is Tuesday June 23rd and the time is 1:35 AM. My first thought is if I should change the "Dear Journal" to a "Dear Diary" for the whole cliche. Although I think I might be avoiding the main point of today's post.
Time for some celebration! I am posting my very first post! Pop the champagne and pour the bubbly into a glass. Oh wait, I am only 20 and I can't drink yet. Although I don't think I really should be drinking anyway. Perhaps I will tell you all about that in the future. Do I want to? Yeah I think I do.
The point of my online journal is to express my thoughts and feelings on some form of medium. On Monday (Yes journal today's entry will be considered one for Monday even though it is 1:41 now in the morning on Tuesday. Might as well reflect on the events that went on Monday) Sorry I might ramble on a bit, most of my writing will be in a stream of consciousness format considering it is what is going through my head right now. I feel this seems appropriate considering this is in a journal format.
The whole thing started when my dad suggested I post what is going on my head in a journal. Personally I love to write and I love to express myself. I find myself to have friendship with muses and can often think of stories on a regular basis. So shout out to Thalia the Greek Muse. Anyway I decided it would be interesting to put my story in a blog instead. While I have kept journals before, I often wrote in them sparingly and only when I was particularly angry. Maybe I might dig one up and transcribe it on here so people can get a good laugh of what was going in my mind as a 10 year old kid.
Anyway I recently became aware I might have a version of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia. I found out last friday when I visited the doctor. I originally went to see the doctor about my ADHD which I have been diagnosed as since I was a kid. I have been taking Concerta for years to help me with my ADHD, but the side effects made me hate taking it. It got to a point where I really hated taking it so I wouldn't even though I needed it. My doctor ended up prescribing some drug which currently escapes me which is generally not used for ADHD, but would not have the stimulant part that most ADHD drugs had. I had a horrible reaction to it and started to develop some depression even though it was supposed to help with that.
I have been on Prozac for years as well to help with more anxiety. I was instructed not to take it when we were trying the new ADHD pills which sort of unlocked the gates for my depression. It was quickly discovered there might be some things it also helped me cope with that flew under the radar before (the depression).
I was quickly switched to Wellbutrin for my ADHD and the Prozac which also would help with any depression I was suffering. This did not go well with my body at all. My body kept shaking. My hands trembled to a point where I could not even hold my phone properly and look on the screen with it shaking. I quickly called the doctor and was instructed to not take more of the Wellbutrin.
Then I came in for a visit as we discussed medicine, but I was not depressed any more. I felt good, really good. Like I feel good now. I feel on top of the world. I feel my mind racing and thoughts just going to my finger tips with each stroke of the keys. I did not need to sleep that much any more. I felt my mind race often, speaking incredibly fast. I feel as though my mind doesn't even need periods. The best way to describe my mind right now is a giant run on sentence that just adds more and more information and connects every tiny bit of information with whatever is next I mean who needs periods certainly not me no not at all screw grammar.
I get this feeling sometimes where I just need to run. It happened today actually when I was driving. I felt the desire to just pull over and just run. The thing is I hate running, but for that moment it is what I wanted to do the most. Anyone else feel like this? Am I crazy?
Thinking back on my recent diagnosis I am not at all surprised by this. It explains so much to me. I remember being in school going on the elevator with friends as we came back to the dorms and I told them how I only had a few hours of sleep and felt amazing. I was giggling, laughing, talking really fast and they thought I was acting really strange. Other times I just wanted to be left alone and just curl up and sleep. The only desire I had was staying in my bed and let time pass me by. All motivation was gone to do anything.
I love the mania so much more. I feel incredible. When I was younger I was a bit... ambitious or at least I thought I was. I have this desire to learn languages sometimes and for some reason I had to learn Russian and began to study it on my own. I thought I was just ambitious, but now I question if it was mania. Same thing happened last year at school when I took a bit too much to chew and decided to learn a language, a really hard one. But more on that later.
Maybe if people are curious about me and want to know they will stick around. Although I think I am writing this as much for myself as well as others. I need to get my thoughts down as fast as I think. Then again my mind is racing so much I can't even (lol) type as fast as I think.
Back to my main post storyline thingy whatever it is called. The doctor talked to me and we kinda discussed how it might be not just depression, but maybe mania as well. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. So instead of giving me the cliche (is that the word of the day or something) drug lithium I got this other drug he likes to use since it doesn't have many bad side effects, except that I might DIE!
So basically this drug has a side effect (A rare one) that causes a person to develop Stevens-Johnson syndrome. Basically it would impact my mucous membranes and I need to keep an eye out for rashes or if I get a fever. Basically flu like symptoms. (Ebola anyone or too soon?) One of the main reasons this developed is if you take too much too fast, and today (err Monday) I fucked up my dose.
That is right journal I am not perfect even though my mind feels that way right now. I can admit my mistakes at least. Can I get a prize for that? Apparently I need to stay at the smallest dose for 2 weeks and not 2 days. I accidentally doubled up doses and took twice as much as I should and I freaked out.
Not to mention the day before I thought I saw a rash and freaked out before, but the double dose thing got me to freak out as well. Am I going to die? So far no symptoms for Stevens-Johnson syndrome have appeared so I think I might be fine and got a bit lucky. I learned my lesson haha.
But that is not the only thing that happened to me today! I had what I would like to call an episode. I was kinda freaking out at one point and was pacing around (I pace a lot) so my parents suggested I go outside.
Outisde? Dashing? Running? YES PLEASE! I ran outside and began to just pace around muttering things to myself, putting together conversations and thoughts and just spilling them out. I felt off since the medicine has a side effect of causing drowsiness and I should be taking it at night. I don't really want to sleep though. So I was tearing up and crying and then I saw a stick and began to hit things with it. I hit chairs, I hit the ground, and it felt so good.
I enjoyed hitting things not because I wanted to hurt things or destroy them, but to create sound. Music seems to be a bit more intense for me right now. Like I can feel the beat a lot more, feel the music and have it impact me.
SONG RECOMMENDATION WARNING!
Sorry Journal, but I must interrupt this entry with my "commercial" of a song recommendation. Currently I love listening to These Four Walls by Little Mix. Yes I am a boy and this is a girl band, I don't care. I love the sound and I feel the beauty of it. I feel it envelop me and feel how intense it is at parts and how sad it is. I love it! The song speaks to me almost and I just love that.
Anyway I started to hit things to see what sound they produced. I heard tings, bangs, whips, bams, and boops. It started to speak to me and make me feel much better. I would hit metal chairs on the patio in order to create sounds like a gong or a bell. Maybe more like a wind chime? Anyway I hit them and created my own symphony and just felt things instantly get better. I then waved the stick and heard the sound of wind rushing around me. I loved that sound too. I began to wave it to hear the pitch and insert other musical sounding words here. I would drag the stick on the ground and slap it, hit the chairs, wave it around and perform songs. It was like I was a conductor of this band and even though the music was kinda bad I felt instantly better. It was like I needed to work out my feelings in a mix of a creative and physical way.
I have been feeling incredibly creative during my mania. I have been drawing something I haven't done since I was a kid, singing, writing, etc. But now I want to do something a bit more physical like run a bit, or just walk. Get rid of this pent up energy. Is this why I have the urge to just bolt? So this blog does help, I might have figured something out. Stay tuned for more information in the future. I like that getting my thoughts out like this helps me reflect.
While it might not be organized well, it is not supposed to be. It is how my mind is thinking right now, how I think. I think in run on sentences and my world doesn't stop. Things seem to slow down for me, because I am going too fast. Things get more intense and I like it.
I think I have rambled on and made a decent first post. Probably riddled with errors, but this is my mind, not a professional post. Should I spell check? Should I proof read? NAH! This is how my mind is thinking right now and I should not try and perfect it, but reflect on it.
I think what I might do is read over the entry from the day before and maybe do a follow up on them. Who knows? Right?
Anyway I think it is time I begin to wrap up my first entry, but I will have some fun with you journal.
Who is the greatest rap artist of all time?
Anne Frank
Make sense? Nope it shouldn't.
Anyway hope you get me journal. You are here for me and maybe so are readers? I don't know. Who would find me interested to read? Hey phantom readers, hope you enjoyed this!
I just completed my first entry! YAY!
Sincerely,
JT
Today is Tuesday June 23rd and the time is 1:35 AM. My first thought is if I should change the "Dear Journal" to a "Dear Diary" for the whole cliche. Although I think I might be avoiding the main point of today's post.
Time for some celebration! I am posting my very first post! Pop the champagne and pour the bubbly into a glass. Oh wait, I am only 20 and I can't drink yet. Although I don't think I really should be drinking anyway. Perhaps I will tell you all about that in the future. Do I want to? Yeah I think I do.
The point of my online journal is to express my thoughts and feelings on some form of medium. On Monday (Yes journal today's entry will be considered one for Monday even though it is 1:41 now in the morning on Tuesday. Might as well reflect on the events that went on Monday) Sorry I might ramble on a bit, most of my writing will be in a stream of consciousness format considering it is what is going through my head right now. I feel this seems appropriate considering this is in a journal format.
The whole thing started when my dad suggested I post what is going on my head in a journal. Personally I love to write and I love to express myself. I find myself to have friendship with muses and can often think of stories on a regular basis. So shout out to Thalia the Greek Muse. Anyway I decided it would be interesting to put my story in a blog instead. While I have kept journals before, I often wrote in them sparingly and only when I was particularly angry. Maybe I might dig one up and transcribe it on here so people can get a good laugh of what was going in my mind as a 10 year old kid.
Anyway I recently became aware I might have a version of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia. I found out last friday when I visited the doctor. I originally went to see the doctor about my ADHD which I have been diagnosed as since I was a kid. I have been taking Concerta for years to help me with my ADHD, but the side effects made me hate taking it. It got to a point where I really hated taking it so I wouldn't even though I needed it. My doctor ended up prescribing some drug which currently escapes me which is generally not used for ADHD, but would not have the stimulant part that most ADHD drugs had. I had a horrible reaction to it and started to develop some depression even though it was supposed to help with that.
I have been on Prozac for years as well to help with more anxiety. I was instructed not to take it when we were trying the new ADHD pills which sort of unlocked the gates for my depression. It was quickly discovered there might be some things it also helped me cope with that flew under the radar before (the depression).
I was quickly switched to Wellbutrin for my ADHD and the Prozac which also would help with any depression I was suffering. This did not go well with my body at all. My body kept shaking. My hands trembled to a point where I could not even hold my phone properly and look on the screen with it shaking. I quickly called the doctor and was instructed to not take more of the Wellbutrin.
Then I came in for a visit as we discussed medicine, but I was not depressed any more. I felt good, really good. Like I feel good now. I feel on top of the world. I feel my mind racing and thoughts just going to my finger tips with each stroke of the keys. I did not need to sleep that much any more. I felt my mind race often, speaking incredibly fast. I feel as though my mind doesn't even need periods. The best way to describe my mind right now is a giant run on sentence that just adds more and more information and connects every tiny bit of information with whatever is next I mean who needs periods certainly not me no not at all screw grammar.
I get this feeling sometimes where I just need to run. It happened today actually when I was driving. I felt the desire to just pull over and just run. The thing is I hate running, but for that moment it is what I wanted to do the most. Anyone else feel like this? Am I crazy?
Thinking back on my recent diagnosis I am not at all surprised by this. It explains so much to me. I remember being in school going on the elevator with friends as we came back to the dorms and I told them how I only had a few hours of sleep and felt amazing. I was giggling, laughing, talking really fast and they thought I was acting really strange. Other times I just wanted to be left alone and just curl up and sleep. The only desire I had was staying in my bed and let time pass me by. All motivation was gone to do anything.
I love the mania so much more. I feel incredible. When I was younger I was a bit... ambitious or at least I thought I was. I have this desire to learn languages sometimes and for some reason I had to learn Russian and began to study it on my own. I thought I was just ambitious, but now I question if it was mania. Same thing happened last year at school when I took a bit too much to chew and decided to learn a language, a really hard one. But more on that later.
Maybe if people are curious about me and want to know they will stick around. Although I think I am writing this as much for myself as well as others. I need to get my thoughts down as fast as I think. Then again my mind is racing so much I can't even (lol) type as fast as I think.
Back to my main post storyline thingy whatever it is called. The doctor talked to me and we kinda discussed how it might be not just depression, but maybe mania as well. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. So instead of giving me the cliche (is that the word of the day or something) drug lithium I got this other drug he likes to use since it doesn't have many bad side effects, except that I might DIE!
So basically this drug has a side effect (A rare one) that causes a person to develop Stevens-Johnson syndrome. Basically it would impact my mucous membranes and I need to keep an eye out for rashes or if I get a fever. Basically flu like symptoms. (Ebola anyone or too soon?) One of the main reasons this developed is if you take too much too fast, and today (err Monday) I fucked up my dose.
That is right journal I am not perfect even though my mind feels that way right now. I can admit my mistakes at least. Can I get a prize for that? Apparently I need to stay at the smallest dose for 2 weeks and not 2 days. I accidentally doubled up doses and took twice as much as I should and I freaked out.
Not to mention the day before I thought I saw a rash and freaked out before, but the double dose thing got me to freak out as well. Am I going to die? So far no symptoms for Stevens-Johnson syndrome have appeared so I think I might be fine and got a bit lucky. I learned my lesson haha.
But that is not the only thing that happened to me today! I had what I would like to call an episode. I was kinda freaking out at one point and was pacing around (I pace a lot) so my parents suggested I go outside.
Outisde? Dashing? Running? YES PLEASE! I ran outside and began to just pace around muttering things to myself, putting together conversations and thoughts and just spilling them out. I felt off since the medicine has a side effect of causing drowsiness and I should be taking it at night. I don't really want to sleep though. So I was tearing up and crying and then I saw a stick and began to hit things with it. I hit chairs, I hit the ground, and it felt so good.
I enjoyed hitting things not because I wanted to hurt things or destroy them, but to create sound. Music seems to be a bit more intense for me right now. Like I can feel the beat a lot more, feel the music and have it impact me.
SONG RECOMMENDATION WARNING!
Sorry Journal, but I must interrupt this entry with my "commercial" of a song recommendation. Currently I love listening to These Four Walls by Little Mix. Yes I am a boy and this is a girl band, I don't care. I love the sound and I feel the beauty of it. I feel it envelop me and feel how intense it is at parts and how sad it is. I love it! The song speaks to me almost and I just love that.
Anyway I started to hit things to see what sound they produced. I heard tings, bangs, whips, bams, and boops. It started to speak to me and make me feel much better. I would hit metal chairs on the patio in order to create sounds like a gong or a bell. Maybe more like a wind chime? Anyway I hit them and created my own symphony and just felt things instantly get better. I then waved the stick and heard the sound of wind rushing around me. I loved that sound too. I began to wave it to hear the pitch and insert other musical sounding words here. I would drag the stick on the ground and slap it, hit the chairs, wave it around and perform songs. It was like I was a conductor of this band and even though the music was kinda bad I felt instantly better. It was like I needed to work out my feelings in a mix of a creative and physical way.
I have been feeling incredibly creative during my mania. I have been drawing something I haven't done since I was a kid, singing, writing, etc. But now I want to do something a bit more physical like run a bit, or just walk. Get rid of this pent up energy. Is this why I have the urge to just bolt? So this blog does help, I might have figured something out. Stay tuned for more information in the future. I like that getting my thoughts out like this helps me reflect.
While it might not be organized well, it is not supposed to be. It is how my mind is thinking right now, how I think. I think in run on sentences and my world doesn't stop. Things seem to slow down for me, because I am going too fast. Things get more intense and I like it.
I think I have rambled on and made a decent first post. Probably riddled with errors, but this is my mind, not a professional post. Should I spell check? Should I proof read? NAH! This is how my mind is thinking right now and I should not try and perfect it, but reflect on it.
I think what I might do is read over the entry from the day before and maybe do a follow up on them. Who knows? Right?
Anyway I think it is time I begin to wrap up my first entry, but I will have some fun with you journal.
Who is the greatest rap artist of all time?
Anne Frank
Make sense? Nope it shouldn't.
Anyway hope you get me journal. You are here for me and maybe so are readers? I don't know. Who would find me interested to read? Hey phantom readers, hope you enjoyed this!
I just completed my first entry! YAY!
Sincerely,
JT
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