its been a while

I am kind of freaking out.

Imagination is one thing I can be proud of. But now, its starting to frighten me.

I first really noticed it when I was leaving the bathroom at my dorm. I thought I saw a corpse in there. Simple imagination, I knew there was no corpse, but in my mind's eye I saw it.

Later I was in the shower and I imagined what it would be like to have the water running over me turn into a crimson blood staining my skin. And then I saw that blood.

It went away for a while, but in the last couple of days I saw it. There was construction on the road and there was a metal sheet to cover a hole that cars could drive over. I imagined that a car would go through and suddenly I would look down and see a family inside the broken window of the minivan that fell down. I would tell them I am calling the cops, but feel useless that I could not do anything.

It was like a flash, a sudden moment where I am in this imaginary land. Like a daydream.

Recently I had the sudden moment where I felt like I was being mugged, and how I would confess how I was slowly going insane. The robber (he had pale skin, dirty red hair something easy to recall) he would lower his gun, (it was a handgun so a bit cliche) and then I would flip. I would suddenly tackle him, rip the gun away from him and press my thumbs into my eyes destroying them and purposely blinding him. Violent I know. I imagined calling the cops and explaining that it was all self defense. And all these thoughts, instantly happened as I was walking down the sidewalk.

As for how I felt, I was kinda freaking out. I didn't experience a mugging, never had. Why did this pop into my head? Why did something I imagine, why is it sticking with me and why am I reacting to it.
 

Is there just something else wrong with me?

I am afraid.

I know I should say something... but its hard to admit this. I don't want to get diagnosed with something else, only for everything in my life to be that much harder.

For instance I am slowly going down into depression, and its something I don't want to feel. Do I want to die? No! I think suicide is frankly the worst thing you could do. Sure I am in pain. Sure I hate myself. But death is not the answer.

I heard and read that most people who jump off a bridge and survive, end up saying that the moment after they jump, when its too late, they regret it.

Why am I talking about this? Does it mean I think about it constantly? I honestly don't know. I just know I am scared right now. I really don't know what to do.

Not so quick update

So I have been on my medicine lately and I have been busy. This summer I have not been able to find a job so I decided to write a book. Yes a book. I recently finished it with around 400 pages. I worked throughout the summer and spent many manic moments writing.

Problem with my blog is I question if people read it. I saw people from another country read my blog. I was shocked. Why read me? Frankly I thought blogger was kind of dead.

I have been having a lot of fights recently with people. Some petty things, but arguments. I have been really aggressive lately.

I saw my deaf Aunt as well. Her son is bipolar and I asked for help about how she dealt with her son having it. I am not that close with that side of the family so it was nice to actually talk to them. I also found out she is responsible for making movie theaters have subtitle equipment for the deaf community. She is also working on the B.A.R.T to make it better for the deaf population.

This has inspired me. I have been a bit lost lately, trying to think about what I want to do as a career. People seem to tell us that we need to pick something we want at 18. College is so expensive it really seems like we have one shot. So either you do something you love or you're screwed.

On that note, I have been thinking about advocacy. My parents have been pushing me to work on the Presidential campaigns. It seems like I should do that, but I am not that interested. Even though I am a political science and communications major, I cannot stand American Politics. It seems all we do is constantly bicker and fight. One side says one thing, the other says the opposite and we cannot even get things done in the end. I would rather be more concerned about world politics since we live in a global environment. My main thing is I want to help people. So an advocacy program seems to be the right thing for me. Maybe something with a health group for Bipolar disorder.

Medicine change! I was on risperdal for a bit, and lets just say I had some bizarre reactions. I would have a lot of nose bleeds for no reason. I am prone to nose bleeds, but there were different. It was very watery, big nose bleeds, would take a long time to heal, and would start with no reason. I would sit down and then suddenly feel warm liquid something trickle down my nose and smell the metallic.

I got pretty annoyed with this so I looked it up and found out I should contact a doctor immediately if I have an issue.  I am on longer on this medicine and on Abilify. It makes me sleepy and I feel drowsy all day.

Little things seem to tick me off, but the medicine helps. While I like the mania, I can reflect on how I act. There is a down side to it. A part of me wants it back. It is hard. I looked up a bunch of famous people with bipolar disorder and was stunned. Maybe I could be a great writer? Those of you probably reading this are shaking their heads. "Nope, you suck," well sorry this is more of a diary format. Screw the dear diary though, that is stupid.

I don't think I will post as periodically since when I get drugged up a lot from the medicine life seems to be a bit difficult. I REALLY want comments from people. You wont believe how much I want them. Follow or subscribe/subscribble whatever it is called on blogspot if you want to keep up with me. It motivates me to continue, and when I crash I will need motivation. But don't feel like I am twisting your arm. I am DESPERATE <---- lol. Do what you want guys. As long as you enjoy it. I have noticed a steady stream of people reading me or at least browsing so that motivated me to write this entry.

So until next time. Bysises *cough* bysies.