So I am home for the weekend [fall break] and the reason... I am seeing things.
I am scared.
I called up my therapist in a panic expressing what happened. Then I called up my parents, saying I needed to go home.
Saying what was happening... It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was breaking down as I told them. I know when there is an issue you need to speak up, but this... the fear, the panic, it was difficult. I am used to staying silent and not expressing myself in the way. I feel bottling up anger, fear, emotion is the best way to stay focused.
I called my doctor soon after, I learned that a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is called Schizoaffective disorder. [It can be depression + bipolar]. So far my parents know I have been seeing things, as well as my doctor and therapist. My sisters and friends have no idea, and I am debating about telling them. Luckily my doctor does not think I have schizophrenia and that is a HUGE relief.
I don't know what I would do.
So I am home for the main reason to see a doctor visit. I have gotten in a few arguments with my family, especially my father. He didn't get it when I didn't feel like eating. He thought it was because I didn't want his food. When that wasnt it at all. I could feel my stomach growling, but the thought of getting up and eating was just too much.
After all the yelling I came in and just succumbed. He made pancakes just for me and I ate one. I was just staring at the plate and being miserable, when I jumped away. I had an image forming in my mind, of spiders just crawling away from the plate. This swarm moving around, and I was at the beginning states of actually processing it and seeing it. But I jerked away and began to have this strong emotional reaction.
Confession... I was in tears and freaking out.
What did I do? I ran upstairs and took a steaming shower. I felt better just coming out of it. As if just getting clean and doing something else was helping me out. Then I got a haircut. I felt better not only getting clean and a better hygiene but going outside and doing something.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel down. I honestly just want to curl up and watch netflix. I am kinda at a loss for what to watch. I recently finished iZombie, and found that it was surprisingly good. Silly concept, really entertaining, but this is not a paid endorsement so I wont continue on that.
I know I shouldn't care about readers, but I noticed a string of higher viewers. Are people actually reading this? I know its a bit silly, but uh hi guys, whats up?
I have considered doing a mental health vlog and just talking through my life in a quick brief update, letting people keep up with my story, But I am scared. Once I put something out on the internet it is there forever. If people look me up when I try and get a career, they could learn I am bipolar and not employ me because I could be a "risk" or whatever. Granted I would slap a lawsuit on that. I can't help it that I have this.
Recently I have learned that there is a movement to end the stigma around mental health problems. For instance there is this article: [Clickable]. I am thinking about sharing my story on Facebook, but I am so afraid.
There is this fear of being judged. I am slowly telling more and more people. It shouldn't be a big deal, but its scary to talk about.
Maybe one day I will share my story.
In other news I have tried to reach out to friends and I feel like I am being ignored. My friends don't really contact me because I feel like I have pushed them away. It hurts. I feel a bit alone when I am at this really clingy time. I am making new friends all the time, hoping I can find someone to just be there for me when I call out for help.
As for the concept of death. I mean its a scary thing to talk about. Do I want to die? No! While I don't believe in the whole 'Yolo' [you only live once... I want to believe in reincarnation]. I think reaching out and having support [although the little] is really helping me. I have never really thought about it...
Confession...
I have had a dark moment or two as well as the question "Will people miss me", but I push those thoughts away. Frankly I want to live and I have come to learn that when people jump off the bridge they realize that all their problems can be fixed... but it is often too late when they realize this.
As for my blog.
I AM AWFUL. I feel bad I don't update this frequently. I often become super busy and its hard to post sometimes. I really want to make an effort to post things, but a part of me also wants to be read. I have a voice and I have a story, I would like it to be heard, and have feedback. I am now considering moving my blog into a different place. I feel like blogger is dead. No one comes on here. I think making a real website would be an interesting project. I have thought of Tumblr, but I feel like that is just posting other things on your dashboard and just putting interesting things up instead of spitting out your own interesting things. I want a real "meaty" forum to post what I am thinking.
I have a friend who posts for Slate.com and have found that I am a bit jealous. I think it would be really cool to write up articles and post for these places, no matter how silly they could be. [buzzfeed, smoshpit, huffingtonpost <-- although that has a bit more seriousness to it] I am still lost in what I want to do. My therapist told me not to think about these things, but I CAN'T help it. While I know my writing sucks on here, frankly I feel like this is more of a diary than a professional piece. (probably why no one reads this)
I think I tell myself I don't care about my stuff being read, but in reality I do. I feel like a mess.
Showing posts with label disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disorder. Show all posts
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Monday, June 22, 2015
Just a Manic Monday (Even Though it is Tuesday Now)
Dear Journal,
Today is Tuesday June 23rd and the time is 1:35 AM. My first thought is if I should change the "Dear Journal" to a "Dear Diary" for the whole cliche. Although I think I might be avoiding the main point of today's post.
Time for some celebration! I am posting my very first post! Pop the champagne and pour the bubbly into a glass. Oh wait, I am only 20 and I can't drink yet. Although I don't think I really should be drinking anyway. Perhaps I will tell you all about that in the future. Do I want to? Yeah I think I do.
The point of my online journal is to express my thoughts and feelings on some form of medium. On Monday (Yes journal today's entry will be considered one for Monday even though it is 1:41 now in the morning on Tuesday. Might as well reflect on the events that went on Monday) Sorry I might ramble on a bit, most of my writing will be in a stream of consciousness format considering it is what is going through my head right now. I feel this seems appropriate considering this is in a journal format.
The whole thing started when my dad suggested I post what is going on my head in a journal. Personally I love to write and I love to express myself. I find myself to have friendship with muses and can often think of stories on a regular basis. So shout out to Thalia the Greek Muse. Anyway I decided it would be interesting to put my story in a blog instead. While I have kept journals before, I often wrote in them sparingly and only when I was particularly angry. Maybe I might dig one up and transcribe it on here so people can get a good laugh of what was going in my mind as a 10 year old kid.
Anyway I recently became aware I might have a version of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia. I found out last friday when I visited the doctor. I originally went to see the doctor about my ADHD which I have been diagnosed as since I was a kid. I have been taking Concerta for years to help me with my ADHD, but the side effects made me hate taking it. It got to a point where I really hated taking it so I wouldn't even though I needed it. My doctor ended up prescribing some drug which currently escapes me which is generally not used for ADHD, but would not have the stimulant part that most ADHD drugs had. I had a horrible reaction to it and started to develop some depression even though it was supposed to help with that.
I have been on Prozac for years as well to help with more anxiety. I was instructed not to take it when we were trying the new ADHD pills which sort of unlocked the gates for my depression. It was quickly discovered there might be some things it also helped me cope with that flew under the radar before (the depression).
I was quickly switched to Wellbutrin for my ADHD and the Prozac which also would help with any depression I was suffering. This did not go well with my body at all. My body kept shaking. My hands trembled to a point where I could not even hold my phone properly and look on the screen with it shaking. I quickly called the doctor and was instructed to not take more of the Wellbutrin.
Then I came in for a visit as we discussed medicine, but I was not depressed any more. I felt good, really good. Like I feel good now. I feel on top of the world. I feel my mind racing and thoughts just going to my finger tips with each stroke of the keys. I did not need to sleep that much any more. I felt my mind race often, speaking incredibly fast. I feel as though my mind doesn't even need periods. The best way to describe my mind right now is a giant run on sentence that just adds more and more information and connects every tiny bit of information with whatever is next I mean who needs periods certainly not me no not at all screw grammar.
I get this feeling sometimes where I just need to run. It happened today actually when I was driving. I felt the desire to just pull over and just run. The thing is I hate running, but for that moment it is what I wanted to do the most. Anyone else feel like this? Am I crazy?
Thinking back on my recent diagnosis I am not at all surprised by this. It explains so much to me. I remember being in school going on the elevator with friends as we came back to the dorms and I told them how I only had a few hours of sleep and felt amazing. I was giggling, laughing, talking really fast and they thought I was acting really strange. Other times I just wanted to be left alone and just curl up and sleep. The only desire I had was staying in my bed and let time pass me by. All motivation was gone to do anything.
I love the mania so much more. I feel incredible. When I was younger I was a bit... ambitious or at least I thought I was. I have this desire to learn languages sometimes and for some reason I had to learn Russian and began to study it on my own. I thought I was just ambitious, but now I question if it was mania. Same thing happened last year at school when I took a bit too much to chew and decided to learn a language, a really hard one. But more on that later.
Maybe if people are curious about me and want to know they will stick around. Although I think I am writing this as much for myself as well as others. I need to get my thoughts down as fast as I think. Then again my mind is racing so much I can't even (lol) type as fast as I think.
Back to my main post storyline thingy whatever it is called. The doctor talked to me and we kinda discussed how it might be not just depression, but maybe mania as well. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. So instead of giving me the cliche (is that the word of the day or something) drug lithium I got this other drug he likes to use since it doesn't have many bad side effects, except that I might DIE!
So basically this drug has a side effect (A rare one) that causes a person to develop Stevens-Johnson syndrome. Basically it would impact my mucous membranes and I need to keep an eye out for rashes or if I get a fever. Basically flu like symptoms. (Ebola anyone or too soon?) One of the main reasons this developed is if you take too much too fast, and today (err Monday) I fucked up my dose.
That is right journal I am not perfect even though my mind feels that way right now. I can admit my mistakes at least. Can I get a prize for that? Apparently I need to stay at the smallest dose for 2 weeks and not 2 days. I accidentally doubled up doses and took twice as much as I should and I freaked out.
Not to mention the day before I thought I saw a rash and freaked out before, but the double dose thing got me to freak out as well. Am I going to die? So far no symptoms for Stevens-Johnson syndrome have appeared so I think I might be fine and got a bit lucky. I learned my lesson haha.
But that is not the only thing that happened to me today! I had what I would like to call an episode. I was kinda freaking out at one point and was pacing around (I pace a lot) so my parents suggested I go outside.
Outisde? Dashing? Running? YES PLEASE! I ran outside and began to just pace around muttering things to myself, putting together conversations and thoughts and just spilling them out. I felt off since the medicine has a side effect of causing drowsiness and I should be taking it at night. I don't really want to sleep though. So I was tearing up and crying and then I saw a stick and began to hit things with it. I hit chairs, I hit the ground, and it felt so good.
I enjoyed hitting things not because I wanted to hurt things or destroy them, but to create sound. Music seems to be a bit more intense for me right now. Like I can feel the beat a lot more, feel the music and have it impact me.
SONG RECOMMENDATION WARNING!
Sorry Journal, but I must interrupt this entry with my "commercial" of a song recommendation. Currently I love listening to These Four Walls by Little Mix. Yes I am a boy and this is a girl band, I don't care. I love the sound and I feel the beauty of it. I feel it envelop me and feel how intense it is at parts and how sad it is. I love it! The song speaks to me almost and I just love that.
Anyway I started to hit things to see what sound they produced. I heard tings, bangs, whips, bams, and boops. It started to speak to me and make me feel much better. I would hit metal chairs on the patio in order to create sounds like a gong or a bell. Maybe more like a wind chime? Anyway I hit them and created my own symphony and just felt things instantly get better. I then waved the stick and heard the sound of wind rushing around me. I loved that sound too. I began to wave it to hear the pitch and insert other musical sounding words here. I would drag the stick on the ground and slap it, hit the chairs, wave it around and perform songs. It was like I was a conductor of this band and even though the music was kinda bad I felt instantly better. It was like I needed to work out my feelings in a mix of a creative and physical way.
I have been feeling incredibly creative during my mania. I have been drawing something I haven't done since I was a kid, singing, writing, etc. But now I want to do something a bit more physical like run a bit, or just walk. Get rid of this pent up energy. Is this why I have the urge to just bolt? So this blog does help, I might have figured something out. Stay tuned for more information in the future. I like that getting my thoughts out like this helps me reflect.
While it might not be organized well, it is not supposed to be. It is how my mind is thinking right now, how I think. I think in run on sentences and my world doesn't stop. Things seem to slow down for me, because I am going too fast. Things get more intense and I like it.
I think I have rambled on and made a decent first post. Probably riddled with errors, but this is my mind, not a professional post. Should I spell check? Should I proof read? NAH! This is how my mind is thinking right now and I should not try and perfect it, but reflect on it.
I think what I might do is read over the entry from the day before and maybe do a follow up on them. Who knows? Right?
Anyway I think it is time I begin to wrap up my first entry, but I will have some fun with you journal.
Who is the greatest rap artist of all time?
Anne Frank
Make sense? Nope it shouldn't.
Anyway hope you get me journal. You are here for me and maybe so are readers? I don't know. Who would find me interested to read? Hey phantom readers, hope you enjoyed this!
I just completed my first entry! YAY!
Sincerely,
JT
Today is Tuesday June 23rd and the time is 1:35 AM. My first thought is if I should change the "Dear Journal" to a "Dear Diary" for the whole cliche. Although I think I might be avoiding the main point of today's post.
Time for some celebration! I am posting my very first post! Pop the champagne and pour the bubbly into a glass. Oh wait, I am only 20 and I can't drink yet. Although I don't think I really should be drinking anyway. Perhaps I will tell you all about that in the future. Do I want to? Yeah I think I do.
The point of my online journal is to express my thoughts and feelings on some form of medium. On Monday (Yes journal today's entry will be considered one for Monday even though it is 1:41 now in the morning on Tuesday. Might as well reflect on the events that went on Monday) Sorry I might ramble on a bit, most of my writing will be in a stream of consciousness format considering it is what is going through my head right now. I feel this seems appropriate considering this is in a journal format.
The whole thing started when my dad suggested I post what is going on my head in a journal. Personally I love to write and I love to express myself. I find myself to have friendship with muses and can often think of stories on a regular basis. So shout out to Thalia the Greek Muse. Anyway I decided it would be interesting to put my story in a blog instead. While I have kept journals before, I often wrote in them sparingly and only when I was particularly angry. Maybe I might dig one up and transcribe it on here so people can get a good laugh of what was going in my mind as a 10 year old kid.
Anyway I recently became aware I might have a version of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia. I found out last friday when I visited the doctor. I originally went to see the doctor about my ADHD which I have been diagnosed as since I was a kid. I have been taking Concerta for years to help me with my ADHD, but the side effects made me hate taking it. It got to a point where I really hated taking it so I wouldn't even though I needed it. My doctor ended up prescribing some drug which currently escapes me which is generally not used for ADHD, but would not have the stimulant part that most ADHD drugs had. I had a horrible reaction to it and started to develop some depression even though it was supposed to help with that.
I have been on Prozac for years as well to help with more anxiety. I was instructed not to take it when we were trying the new ADHD pills which sort of unlocked the gates for my depression. It was quickly discovered there might be some things it also helped me cope with that flew under the radar before (the depression).
I was quickly switched to Wellbutrin for my ADHD and the Prozac which also would help with any depression I was suffering. This did not go well with my body at all. My body kept shaking. My hands trembled to a point where I could not even hold my phone properly and look on the screen with it shaking. I quickly called the doctor and was instructed to not take more of the Wellbutrin.
Then I came in for a visit as we discussed medicine, but I was not depressed any more. I felt good, really good. Like I feel good now. I feel on top of the world. I feel my mind racing and thoughts just going to my finger tips with each stroke of the keys. I did not need to sleep that much any more. I felt my mind race often, speaking incredibly fast. I feel as though my mind doesn't even need periods. The best way to describe my mind right now is a giant run on sentence that just adds more and more information and connects every tiny bit of information with whatever is next I mean who needs periods certainly not me no not at all screw grammar.
I get this feeling sometimes where I just need to run. It happened today actually when I was driving. I felt the desire to just pull over and just run. The thing is I hate running, but for that moment it is what I wanted to do the most. Anyone else feel like this? Am I crazy?
Thinking back on my recent diagnosis I am not at all surprised by this. It explains so much to me. I remember being in school going on the elevator with friends as we came back to the dorms and I told them how I only had a few hours of sleep and felt amazing. I was giggling, laughing, talking really fast and they thought I was acting really strange. Other times I just wanted to be left alone and just curl up and sleep. The only desire I had was staying in my bed and let time pass me by. All motivation was gone to do anything.
I love the mania so much more. I feel incredible. When I was younger I was a bit... ambitious or at least I thought I was. I have this desire to learn languages sometimes and for some reason I had to learn Russian and began to study it on my own. I thought I was just ambitious, but now I question if it was mania. Same thing happened last year at school when I took a bit too much to chew and decided to learn a language, a really hard one. But more on that later.
Maybe if people are curious about me and want to know they will stick around. Although I think I am writing this as much for myself as well as others. I need to get my thoughts down as fast as I think. Then again my mind is racing so much I can't even (lol) type as fast as I think.
Back to my main post storyline thingy whatever it is called. The doctor talked to me and we kinda discussed how it might be not just depression, but maybe mania as well. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. So instead of giving me the cliche (is that the word of the day or something) drug lithium I got this other drug he likes to use since it doesn't have many bad side effects, except that I might DIE!
So basically this drug has a side effect (A rare one) that causes a person to develop Stevens-Johnson syndrome. Basically it would impact my mucous membranes and I need to keep an eye out for rashes or if I get a fever. Basically flu like symptoms. (Ebola anyone or too soon?) One of the main reasons this developed is if you take too much too fast, and today (err Monday) I fucked up my dose.
That is right journal I am not perfect even though my mind feels that way right now. I can admit my mistakes at least. Can I get a prize for that? Apparently I need to stay at the smallest dose for 2 weeks and not 2 days. I accidentally doubled up doses and took twice as much as I should and I freaked out.
Not to mention the day before I thought I saw a rash and freaked out before, but the double dose thing got me to freak out as well. Am I going to die? So far no symptoms for Stevens-Johnson syndrome have appeared so I think I might be fine and got a bit lucky. I learned my lesson haha.
But that is not the only thing that happened to me today! I had what I would like to call an episode. I was kinda freaking out at one point and was pacing around (I pace a lot) so my parents suggested I go outside.
Outisde? Dashing? Running? YES PLEASE! I ran outside and began to just pace around muttering things to myself, putting together conversations and thoughts and just spilling them out. I felt off since the medicine has a side effect of causing drowsiness and I should be taking it at night. I don't really want to sleep though. So I was tearing up and crying and then I saw a stick and began to hit things with it. I hit chairs, I hit the ground, and it felt so good.
I enjoyed hitting things not because I wanted to hurt things or destroy them, but to create sound. Music seems to be a bit more intense for me right now. Like I can feel the beat a lot more, feel the music and have it impact me.
SONG RECOMMENDATION WARNING!
Sorry Journal, but I must interrupt this entry with my "commercial" of a song recommendation. Currently I love listening to These Four Walls by Little Mix. Yes I am a boy and this is a girl band, I don't care. I love the sound and I feel the beauty of it. I feel it envelop me and feel how intense it is at parts and how sad it is. I love it! The song speaks to me almost and I just love that.
Anyway I started to hit things to see what sound they produced. I heard tings, bangs, whips, bams, and boops. It started to speak to me and make me feel much better. I would hit metal chairs on the patio in order to create sounds like a gong or a bell. Maybe more like a wind chime? Anyway I hit them and created my own symphony and just felt things instantly get better. I then waved the stick and heard the sound of wind rushing around me. I loved that sound too. I began to wave it to hear the pitch and insert other musical sounding words here. I would drag the stick on the ground and slap it, hit the chairs, wave it around and perform songs. It was like I was a conductor of this band and even though the music was kinda bad I felt instantly better. It was like I needed to work out my feelings in a mix of a creative and physical way.
I have been feeling incredibly creative during my mania. I have been drawing something I haven't done since I was a kid, singing, writing, etc. But now I want to do something a bit more physical like run a bit, or just walk. Get rid of this pent up energy. Is this why I have the urge to just bolt? So this blog does help, I might have figured something out. Stay tuned for more information in the future. I like that getting my thoughts out like this helps me reflect.
While it might not be organized well, it is not supposed to be. It is how my mind is thinking right now, how I think. I think in run on sentences and my world doesn't stop. Things seem to slow down for me, because I am going too fast. Things get more intense and I like it.
I think I have rambled on and made a decent first post. Probably riddled with errors, but this is my mind, not a professional post. Should I spell check? Should I proof read? NAH! This is how my mind is thinking right now and I should not try and perfect it, but reflect on it.
I think what I might do is read over the entry from the day before and maybe do a follow up on them. Who knows? Right?
Anyway I think it is time I begin to wrap up my first entry, but I will have some fun with you journal.
Who is the greatest rap artist of all time?
Anne Frank
Make sense? Nope it shouldn't.
Anyway hope you get me journal. You are here for me and maybe so are readers? I don't know. Who would find me interested to read? Hey phantom readers, hope you enjoyed this!
I just completed my first entry! YAY!
Sincerely,
JT
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)