Seeing things

So I am home for the weekend [fall break] and the reason... I am seeing things.

I am scared.

I called up my therapist in a panic expressing what happened. Then I called up my parents, saying I needed to go home.

Saying what was happening... It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was breaking down as I told them. I know when there is an issue you need to speak up, but this... the fear, the panic, it was difficult. I am used to staying silent and not expressing myself in the way. I feel bottling up anger, fear, emotion is the best way to stay focused.

I called my doctor soon after, I learned that a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is called Schizoaffective disorder. [It can be depression + bipolar]. So far my parents know I have been seeing things, as well as my doctor and therapist. My sisters and friends have no idea, and I am debating about telling them. Luckily my doctor does not think I have schizophrenia and that is a HUGE relief.

I don't know what I would do.

So I am home for the main reason to see a doctor visit. I have gotten in a few arguments with my family, especially my father. He didn't get it when I didn't feel like eating. He thought it was because I didn't want his food. When that wasnt it at all. I could feel my stomach growling, but the thought of getting up and eating was just too much.

After all the yelling I came in and just succumbed. He made pancakes just for me and I ate one. I was just staring at the plate and being miserable, when I jumped away. I had an image forming in my mind, of spiders just crawling away from the plate. This swarm moving around, and I was at the beginning states of actually processing it and seeing it. But I jerked away and began to have this strong emotional reaction.

Confession... I was in tears and freaking out.

What did I do? I ran upstairs and took a steaming shower. I felt better just coming out of it. As if just getting clean and doing something else was helping me out. Then I got a haircut. I felt better not only getting clean and a better hygiene but going outside and doing something.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel down. I honestly just want to curl up and watch netflix. I am kinda at a loss for what to watch. I recently finished iZombie, and found that it was surprisingly good. Silly concept, really entertaining, but this is not a paid endorsement so I wont continue on that.

I know I shouldn't care about readers, but I noticed a string of higher viewers. Are people actually reading this? I know its a bit silly, but uh hi guys, whats up?

I have considered doing a mental health vlog and just talking through my life in a quick brief update, letting people keep up with my story, But I am scared. Once I put something out on the internet it is there forever. If people look me up when I try and get a career, they could learn I am bipolar and not employ me because I could be a "risk" or whatever. Granted I would slap a lawsuit on that. I can't help it that I have this.

Recently I have learned that there is a movement to end the stigma around mental health problems. For instance there is this article: [Clickable]. I am thinking about sharing my story on Facebook, but I am so afraid.

There is this fear of being judged. I am slowly telling more and more people. It shouldn't be a big deal, but its scary to talk about.

Maybe one day I will share my story.

In other news I have tried to reach out to friends and I feel like I am being ignored. My friends don't really contact me because I feel like I have pushed them away. It hurts. I feel a bit alone when I am at this really clingy time. I am making new friends all the time, hoping I can find someone to just be there for me when I call out for help.

As for the concept of death. I mean its a scary thing to talk about. Do I want to die? No! While I don't believe in the whole 'Yolo' [you only live once... I want to believe in reincarnation]. I think reaching out and having support [although the little] is really helping me. I have never really thought about it...

Confession...

I have had a dark moment or two as well as the question "Will people miss me", but I push those thoughts away. Frankly I want to live and I have come to learn that when people jump off the bridge they realize that all their problems can be fixed... but it is often too late when they realize this.

As for my blog.

I AM AWFUL. I feel bad I don't update this frequently. I often become super busy and its hard to post sometimes. I really want to make an effort to post things, but a part of me also wants to be read. I have a voice and I have a story, I would like it to be heard, and have feedback. I am now considering moving my blog into a different place. I feel like blogger is dead. No one comes on here. I think making a real website would be an interesting project. I have thought of Tumblr, but I feel like that is just posting other things on your dashboard and just putting interesting things up instead of spitting out your own interesting things. I want a real "meaty" forum to post what I am thinking.

I have a friend who posts for Slate.com and have found that I am a bit jealous. I think it would be really cool to write up articles and post for these places, no matter how silly they could be. [buzzfeed, smoshpit, huffingtonpost <-- although that has a bit more seriousness to it] I am still lost in what I want to do. My therapist told me not to think about these things, but I CAN'T help it. While I know my writing sucks on here, frankly I feel like this is more of a diary than a professional piece. (probably why no one reads this)

I think I tell myself I don't care about my stuff being read, but in reality I do. I feel like a mess. 

its been a while

I am kind of freaking out.

Imagination is one thing I can be proud of. But now, its starting to frighten me.

I first really noticed it when I was leaving the bathroom at my dorm. I thought I saw a corpse in there. Simple imagination, I knew there was no corpse, but in my mind's eye I saw it.

Later I was in the shower and I imagined what it would be like to have the water running over me turn into a crimson blood staining my skin. And then I saw that blood.

It went away for a while, but in the last couple of days I saw it. There was construction on the road and there was a metal sheet to cover a hole that cars could drive over. I imagined that a car would go through and suddenly I would look down and see a family inside the broken window of the minivan that fell down. I would tell them I am calling the cops, but feel useless that I could not do anything.

It was like a flash, a sudden moment where I am in this imaginary land. Like a daydream.

Recently I had the sudden moment where I felt like I was being mugged, and how I would confess how I was slowly going insane. The robber (he had pale skin, dirty red hair something easy to recall) he would lower his gun, (it was a handgun so a bit cliche) and then I would flip. I would suddenly tackle him, rip the gun away from him and press my thumbs into my eyes destroying them and purposely blinding him. Violent I know. I imagined calling the cops and explaining that it was all self defense. And all these thoughts, instantly happened as I was walking down the sidewalk.

As for how I felt, I was kinda freaking out. I didn't experience a mugging, never had. Why did this pop into my head? Why did something I imagine, why is it sticking with me and why am I reacting to it.
 

Is there just something else wrong with me?

I am afraid.

I know I should say something... but its hard to admit this. I don't want to get diagnosed with something else, only for everything in my life to be that much harder.

For instance I am slowly going down into depression, and its something I don't want to feel. Do I want to die? No! I think suicide is frankly the worst thing you could do. Sure I am in pain. Sure I hate myself. But death is not the answer.

I heard and read that most people who jump off a bridge and survive, end up saying that the moment after they jump, when its too late, they regret it.

Why am I talking about this? Does it mean I think about it constantly? I honestly don't know. I just know I am scared right now. I really don't know what to do.