Libido

Dear Journal,

Today is Thursday June 25th, and I went to bed at 6:00 AM this morning. The thing is I actually slept. For some reason even though I felt fine, my body was exhausted enough for me to sleep until 1. I would have even slept longer had I not been woken up by my sister to take her to work.

Is the medicine working? I  take Lamictal at such a low dose though, it shouldn't be kicking in yet. And I feel manic still. I feel GREAT. Although today I felt slow. Like the sleep kept me back and I wonder if that is why people feel great when manic. We don't sleep and our bodies compensate. While everyone else feels drained and exhausted I feel wired.

It doesn't sound normal. If people sleep 3 hours the night before, would they have the energy to even get up, let alone run through a day and cycle of 24 hours? Maybe I am broken.

Did I crash last night? Is that what happened. Or could it be something else. This is going to be a bit embarrassing Journal, but I have kept one symptom rather secret since it is a tad embarrassing. I didn't bring it up with the doctor either, although if he asked about it I might have nodded.

The symptom, my libido, my sex drive is waaaaay up. Like beyond that of a normal teen kid (even though I am 20) the desire to have sex is so strong right now. I would like to think it is normal for people to masturbate 2 or 3 times a day, me... It is more like 10 times. One right after the other. Its like I don't even have a long refractory period after I cum (lets face it this is a journal I will not say achieve orgasm), a few minutes later I am revving to go.

So during the night I kinda have been... busy. I have done things online and participated in anonymous activities to relieve myself. Sometimes I would like to think myself as sexy and others I do not. But during these times I just crave it, every fiber of my being and my mind wants it. I think I would fuck anyone at this point. Not just girls but guys too. Am I bi or do I crave sex that much it doesn't matter who with?

I have questioned my sexuality at one point or another like many people, but now is the first time I am really thinking about it. I am in a very progressive/open household so if I happened to be bi it would not be a problem, but question is I don't know if I can admit it to myself. Am I bi? Is this the mania? If I find I am bi will I come out with it? Come out of the shoebox (It seems more fitting than a closet)

Maybe my mind is just a bit weak right now. I don't feel like I am at full strength in this manic times. I felt so creative last night, new ideas for stories or writing just poured out of me. Problem is I didn't even write it down since I was a bit busy fooling around over and over and over and over.

So today was a bit slow for me. I am not sure I liked it. Am I crashing? I DON'T WANT TO CRASH I LOVE THE MANIA!

Then again it was also raining today. You would think I am in seattle, although if you look at times I say I am writing and times it is posted you would notice it goes by EST. Is there a way to change this and put EST instead of PST on the post time?

So during the rain I had to just go outside again and stand in the rain. Then I screamed and shouted (and let it all out. it goes on and on and on and on) just to sort of let it out. I feel better in the rain. I guess it has a cleansing effect or maybe I am a romantic in my mania and would kiss a girl and fool around with her in the rain.

It seems interesting to me I automatically think about kissing a girl. Are we conditioned for this? Or is that how I truly feel in a Freudian way. Sexuality is on a Kinsey Scale and maybe I rate my attractiveness to girls higher than guys? Am I attracted to guys? Stuff to think about.

 

Who needs sleep anyway

Dear Journal,

Today is Wednesday June 24th and it is 3:10 in the afternoon. Speaking of "threes" I am running on three and a half hours of sleep and honestly I feel great.

Yesterday I survived my scare of taking too much medicine by accident. I AM ALIVE! Anyway I managed to get a bit more sleep the night before. I guess today is all about sleep.

I don't feel like I need much. Yesterday I didn't do much when I got more sleep. I had planned on going outside and running, but that really didn't happen considering we had a giant storm here.

The wind was large and there are still some branches on the ground from last nights storm. I loved it. The rain was pour and what did I do? I ran outside. I went outside onto the patio and just danced in the rain. I don't know why, but the rain seems to be calming.

                                                     (I wish it was this kind of rain)

Anyway it was storming outside and I just wanted to be out in the rain. Despite the thunder and lightning and all the dangers we were all warned about as children, I ran outside and danced.

I made a list and actually accomplished some things, but my mind is rather scattered. Last night my mind was racing. Instead of taking my medicine in the morning I decided to take it at night since the side effects are drowsiness.

Those side effects were thrown out the window. I was up until 6 am because my mind was just racing and I couldn't stop. I LOVE IT. Why do we have to treat mania and let it run wild? Can't we just enjoy it?

So today even running with little sleep I managed to go to the post office and file for a passport for the second time. What happened the first time? I got to the post office (a different one which I will not return) and waited for 30 minutes for someone to help me. According to the rules you must make an appointment and when I asked about my appointment they said "we will be right there" finally after a half hour after the appointment they told me the system was down or some other bullshit.

Today when I went it was done almost instantly, no problem what so ever. Why can't every place be efficient?

Enough about my ranting. I think I spoke to you enough journal.


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   o   |   x   |   o    <---- Cat's game. (Why is it called that?)

Sometimes I wish I could draw directly on here. I miss doodling on margins of papers like I was a kid.