So I am actually posting rather frequently and I am looking into maybe moving my blog... I feel like Blogger is dead and frankly a part of me wants to have this read.
I am back at school so that is a plus. I had a doctor's appointment today and we upped the dose to about 300 mg of Lamictal and I got ativan for sleeping since seroquel is kicking my ass. However I refuse to take it since I have a midterm. While I studied for it on the weekend... I don't feel good and will probably study for the next few hours. So why am I on here? Procrastination.
I also saw my therapist and we talked about my anger especially with my dad. This weekend he was mad at me for how cold and distant I have acted. He said I was being rude and frankly it annoys me. I didn't want to eat breakfast, I just felt like it was too hard. Then I saw the beginnings of another hallucination but managed to stop it. But not before I had an emotional response to it. I was a mess, but it helped to just shower and get a haircut. I felt instantly better doing things instead of wallowing in self pity/hate.
I am optimistic things will get better...
I will keep this short. I have work to do and frankly, I am terrified. While I may have an A in the class, this grade is important.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Seeing things
So I am home for the weekend [fall break] and the reason... I am seeing things.
I am scared.
I called up my therapist in a panic expressing what happened. Then I called up my parents, saying I needed to go home.
Saying what was happening... It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was breaking down as I told them. I know when there is an issue you need to speak up, but this... the fear, the panic, it was difficult. I am used to staying silent and not expressing myself in the way. I feel bottling up anger, fear, emotion is the best way to stay focused.
I called my doctor soon after, I learned that a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is called Schizoaffective disorder. [It can be depression + bipolar]. So far my parents know I have been seeing things, as well as my doctor and therapist. My sisters and friends have no idea, and I am debating about telling them. Luckily my doctor does not think I have schizophrenia and that is a HUGE relief.
I don't know what I would do.
So I am home for the main reason to see a doctor visit. I have gotten in a few arguments with my family, especially my father. He didn't get it when I didn't feel like eating. He thought it was because I didn't want his food. When that wasnt it at all. I could feel my stomach growling, but the thought of getting up and eating was just too much.
After all the yelling I came in and just succumbed. He made pancakes just for me and I ate one. I was just staring at the plate and being miserable, when I jumped away. I had an image forming in my mind, of spiders just crawling away from the plate. This swarm moving around, and I was at the beginning states of actually processing it and seeing it. But I jerked away and began to have this strong emotional reaction.
Confession... I was in tears and freaking out.
What did I do? I ran upstairs and took a steaming shower. I felt better just coming out of it. As if just getting clean and doing something else was helping me out. Then I got a haircut. I felt better not only getting clean and a better hygiene but going outside and doing something.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel down. I honestly just want to curl up and watch netflix. I am kinda at a loss for what to watch. I recently finished iZombie, and found that it was surprisingly good. Silly concept, really entertaining, but this is not a paid endorsement so I wont continue on that.
I know I shouldn't care about readers, but I noticed a string of higher viewers. Are people actually reading this? I know its a bit silly, but uh hi guys, whats up?
I have considered doing a mental health vlog and just talking through my life in a quick brief update, letting people keep up with my story, But I am scared. Once I put something out on the internet it is there forever. If people look me up when I try and get a career, they could learn I am bipolar and not employ me because I could be a "risk" or whatever. Granted I would slap a lawsuit on that. I can't help it that I have this.
Recently I have learned that there is a movement to end the stigma around mental health problems. For instance there is this article: [Clickable]. I am thinking about sharing my story on Facebook, but I am so afraid.
There is this fear of being judged. I am slowly telling more and more people. It shouldn't be a big deal, but its scary to talk about.
Maybe one day I will share my story.
In other news I have tried to reach out to friends and I feel like I am being ignored. My friends don't really contact me because I feel like I have pushed them away. It hurts. I feel a bit alone when I am at this really clingy time. I am making new friends all the time, hoping I can find someone to just be there for me when I call out for help.
As for the concept of death. I mean its a scary thing to talk about. Do I want to die? No! While I don't believe in the whole 'Yolo' [you only live once... I want to believe in reincarnation]. I think reaching out and having support [although the little] is really helping me. I have never really thought about it...
Confession...
I have had a dark moment or two as well as the question "Will people miss me", but I push those thoughts away. Frankly I want to live and I have come to learn that when people jump off the bridge they realize that all their problems can be fixed... but it is often too late when they realize this.
As for my blog.
I AM AWFUL. I feel bad I don't update this frequently. I often become super busy and its hard to post sometimes. I really want to make an effort to post things, but a part of me also wants to be read. I have a voice and I have a story, I would like it to be heard, and have feedback. I am now considering moving my blog into a different place. I feel like blogger is dead. No one comes on here. I think making a real website would be an interesting project. I have thought of Tumblr, but I feel like that is just posting other things on your dashboard and just putting interesting things up instead of spitting out your own interesting things. I want a real "meaty" forum to post what I am thinking.
I have a friend who posts for Slate.com and have found that I am a bit jealous. I think it would be really cool to write up articles and post for these places, no matter how silly they could be. [buzzfeed, smoshpit, huffingtonpost <-- although that has a bit more seriousness to it] I am still lost in what I want to do. My therapist told me not to think about these things, but I CAN'T help it. While I know my writing sucks on here, frankly I feel like this is more of a diary than a professional piece. (probably why no one reads this)
I think I tell myself I don't care about my stuff being read, but in reality I do. I feel like a mess.
I am scared.
I called up my therapist in a panic expressing what happened. Then I called up my parents, saying I needed to go home.
Saying what was happening... It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was breaking down as I told them. I know when there is an issue you need to speak up, but this... the fear, the panic, it was difficult. I am used to staying silent and not expressing myself in the way. I feel bottling up anger, fear, emotion is the best way to stay focused.
I called my doctor soon after, I learned that a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is called Schizoaffective disorder. [It can be depression + bipolar]. So far my parents know I have been seeing things, as well as my doctor and therapist. My sisters and friends have no idea, and I am debating about telling them. Luckily my doctor does not think I have schizophrenia and that is a HUGE relief.
I don't know what I would do.
So I am home for the main reason to see a doctor visit. I have gotten in a few arguments with my family, especially my father. He didn't get it when I didn't feel like eating. He thought it was because I didn't want his food. When that wasnt it at all. I could feel my stomach growling, but the thought of getting up and eating was just too much.
After all the yelling I came in and just succumbed. He made pancakes just for me and I ate one. I was just staring at the plate and being miserable, when I jumped away. I had an image forming in my mind, of spiders just crawling away from the plate. This swarm moving around, and I was at the beginning states of actually processing it and seeing it. But I jerked away and began to have this strong emotional reaction.
Confession... I was in tears and freaking out.
What did I do? I ran upstairs and took a steaming shower. I felt better just coming out of it. As if just getting clean and doing something else was helping me out. Then I got a haircut. I felt better not only getting clean and a better hygiene but going outside and doing something.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel down. I honestly just want to curl up and watch netflix. I am kinda at a loss for what to watch. I recently finished iZombie, and found that it was surprisingly good. Silly concept, really entertaining, but this is not a paid endorsement so I wont continue on that.
I know I shouldn't care about readers, but I noticed a string of higher viewers. Are people actually reading this? I know its a bit silly, but uh hi guys, whats up?
I have considered doing a mental health vlog and just talking through my life in a quick brief update, letting people keep up with my story, But I am scared. Once I put something out on the internet it is there forever. If people look me up when I try and get a career, they could learn I am bipolar and not employ me because I could be a "risk" or whatever. Granted I would slap a lawsuit on that. I can't help it that I have this.
Recently I have learned that there is a movement to end the stigma around mental health problems. For instance there is this article: [Clickable]. I am thinking about sharing my story on Facebook, but I am so afraid.
There is this fear of being judged. I am slowly telling more and more people. It shouldn't be a big deal, but its scary to talk about.
Maybe one day I will share my story.
In other news I have tried to reach out to friends and I feel like I am being ignored. My friends don't really contact me because I feel like I have pushed them away. It hurts. I feel a bit alone when I am at this really clingy time. I am making new friends all the time, hoping I can find someone to just be there for me when I call out for help.
As for the concept of death. I mean its a scary thing to talk about. Do I want to die? No! While I don't believe in the whole 'Yolo' [you only live once... I want to believe in reincarnation]. I think reaching out and having support [although the little] is really helping me. I have never really thought about it...
Confession...
I have had a dark moment or two as well as the question "Will people miss me", but I push those thoughts away. Frankly I want to live and I have come to learn that when people jump off the bridge they realize that all their problems can be fixed... but it is often too late when they realize this.
As for my blog.
I AM AWFUL. I feel bad I don't update this frequently. I often become super busy and its hard to post sometimes. I really want to make an effort to post things, but a part of me also wants to be read. I have a voice and I have a story, I would like it to be heard, and have feedback. I am now considering moving my blog into a different place. I feel like blogger is dead. No one comes on here. I think making a real website would be an interesting project. I have thought of Tumblr, but I feel like that is just posting other things on your dashboard and just putting interesting things up instead of spitting out your own interesting things. I want a real "meaty" forum to post what I am thinking.
I have a friend who posts for Slate.com and have found that I am a bit jealous. I think it would be really cool to write up articles and post for these places, no matter how silly they could be. [buzzfeed, smoshpit, huffingtonpost <-- although that has a bit more seriousness to it] I am still lost in what I want to do. My therapist told me not to think about these things, but I CAN'T help it. While I know my writing sucks on here, frankly I feel like this is more of a diary than a professional piece. (probably why no one reads this)
I think I tell myself I don't care about my stuff being read, but in reality I do. I feel like a mess.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
its been a while
I am kind of freaking out.
Imagination is one thing I can be proud of. But now, its starting to frighten me.
I first really noticed it when I was leaving the bathroom at my dorm. I thought I saw a corpse in there. Simple imagination, I knew there was no corpse, but in my mind's eye I saw it.
Later I was in the shower and I imagined what it would be like to have the water running over me turn into a crimson blood staining my skin. And then I saw that blood.
It went away for a while, but in the last couple of days I saw it. There was construction on the road and there was a metal sheet to cover a hole that cars could drive over. I imagined that a car would go through and suddenly I would look down and see a family inside the broken window of the minivan that fell down. I would tell them I am calling the cops, but feel useless that I could not do anything.
It was like a flash, a sudden moment where I am in this imaginary land. Like a daydream.
Recently I had the sudden moment where I felt like I was being mugged, and how I would confess how I was slowly going insane. The robber (he had pale skin, dirty red hair something easy to recall) he would lower his gun, (it was a handgun so a bit cliche) and then I would flip. I would suddenly tackle him, rip the gun away from him and press my thumbs into my eyes destroying them and purposely blinding him. Violent I know. I imagined calling the cops and explaining that it was all self defense. And all these thoughts, instantly happened as I was walking down the sidewalk.
As for how I felt, I was kinda freaking out. I didn't experience a mugging, never had. Why did this pop into my head? Why did something I imagine, why is it sticking with me and why am I reacting to it.
Is there just something else wrong with me?
I am afraid.
I know I should say something... but its hard to admit this. I don't want to get diagnosed with something else, only for everything in my life to be that much harder.
For instance I am slowly going down into depression, and its something I don't want to feel. Do I want to die? No! I think suicide is frankly the worst thing you could do. Sure I am in pain. Sure I hate myself. But death is not the answer.
I heard and read that most people who jump off a bridge and survive, end up saying that the moment after they jump, when its too late, they regret it.
Why am I talking about this? Does it mean I think about it constantly? I honestly don't know. I just know I am scared right now. I really don't know what to do.
Imagination is one thing I can be proud of. But now, its starting to frighten me.
I first really noticed it when I was leaving the bathroom at my dorm. I thought I saw a corpse in there. Simple imagination, I knew there was no corpse, but in my mind's eye I saw it.
Later I was in the shower and I imagined what it would be like to have the water running over me turn into a crimson blood staining my skin. And then I saw that blood.
It went away for a while, but in the last couple of days I saw it. There was construction on the road and there was a metal sheet to cover a hole that cars could drive over. I imagined that a car would go through and suddenly I would look down and see a family inside the broken window of the minivan that fell down. I would tell them I am calling the cops, but feel useless that I could not do anything.
It was like a flash, a sudden moment where I am in this imaginary land. Like a daydream.
Recently I had the sudden moment where I felt like I was being mugged, and how I would confess how I was slowly going insane. The robber (he had pale skin, dirty red hair something easy to recall) he would lower his gun, (it was a handgun so a bit cliche) and then I would flip. I would suddenly tackle him, rip the gun away from him and press my thumbs into my eyes destroying them and purposely blinding him. Violent I know. I imagined calling the cops and explaining that it was all self defense. And all these thoughts, instantly happened as I was walking down the sidewalk.
As for how I felt, I was kinda freaking out. I didn't experience a mugging, never had. Why did this pop into my head? Why did something I imagine, why is it sticking with me and why am I reacting to it.
Is there just something else wrong with me?
I am afraid.
I know I should say something... but its hard to admit this. I don't want to get diagnosed with something else, only for everything in my life to be that much harder.
For instance I am slowly going down into depression, and its something I don't want to feel. Do I want to die? No! I think suicide is frankly the worst thing you could do. Sure I am in pain. Sure I hate myself. But death is not the answer.
I heard and read that most people who jump off a bridge and survive, end up saying that the moment after they jump, when its too late, they regret it.
Why am I talking about this? Does it mean I think about it constantly? I honestly don't know. I just know I am scared right now. I really don't know what to do.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Not so quick update
So I have been on my medicine lately and I have been busy. This summer I have not been able to find a job so I decided to write a book. Yes a book. I recently finished it with around 400 pages. I worked throughout the summer and spent many manic moments writing.
Problem with my blog is I question if people read it. I saw people from another country read my blog. I was shocked. Why read me? Frankly I thought blogger was kind of dead.
I have been having a lot of fights recently with people. Some petty things, but arguments. I have been really aggressive lately.
I saw my deaf Aunt as well. Her son is bipolar and I asked for help about how she dealt with her son having it. I am not that close with that side of the family so it was nice to actually talk to them. I also found out she is responsible for making movie theaters have subtitle equipment for the deaf community. She is also working on the B.A.R.T to make it better for the deaf population.
This has inspired me. I have been a bit lost lately, trying to think about what I want to do as a career. People seem to tell us that we need to pick something we want at 18. College is so expensive it really seems like we have one shot. So either you do something you love or you're screwed.
On that note, I have been thinking about advocacy. My parents have been pushing me to work on the Presidential campaigns. It seems like I should do that, but I am not that interested. Even though I am a political science and communications major, I cannot stand American Politics. It seems all we do is constantly bicker and fight. One side says one thing, the other says the opposite and we cannot even get things done in the end. I would rather be more concerned about world politics since we live in a global environment. My main thing is I want to help people. So an advocacy program seems to be the right thing for me. Maybe something with a health group for Bipolar disorder.
Medicine change! I was on risperdal for a bit, and lets just say I had some bizarre reactions. I would have a lot of nose bleeds for no reason. I am prone to nose bleeds, but there were different. It was very watery, big nose bleeds, would take a long time to heal, and would start with no reason. I would sit down and then suddenly feel warm liquid something trickle down my nose and smell the metallic.
I got pretty annoyed with this so I looked it up and found out I should contact a doctor immediately if I have an issue. I am on longer on this medicine and on Abilify. It makes me sleepy and I feel drowsy all day.
Little things seem to tick me off, but the medicine helps. While I like the mania, I can reflect on how I act. There is a down side to it. A part of me wants it back. It is hard. I looked up a bunch of famous people with bipolar disorder and was stunned. Maybe I could be a great writer? Those of you probably reading this are shaking their heads. "Nope, you suck," well sorry this is more of a diary format. Screw the dear diary though, that is stupid.
I don't think I will post as periodically since when I get drugged up a lot from the medicine life seems to be a bit difficult. I REALLY want comments from people. You wont believe how much I want them. Follow or subscribe/subscribble whatever it is called on blogspot if you want to keep up with me. It motivates me to continue, and when I crash I will need motivation. But don't feel like I am twisting your arm. I am DESPERATE <---- lol. Do what you want guys. As long as you enjoy it. I have noticed a steady stream of people reading me or at least browsing so that motivated me to write this entry.
So until next time. Bysises *cough* bysies.
Problem with my blog is I question if people read it. I saw people from another country read my blog. I was shocked. Why read me? Frankly I thought blogger was kind of dead.
I have been having a lot of fights recently with people. Some petty things, but arguments. I have been really aggressive lately.
I saw my deaf Aunt as well. Her son is bipolar and I asked for help about how she dealt with her son having it. I am not that close with that side of the family so it was nice to actually talk to them. I also found out she is responsible for making movie theaters have subtitle equipment for the deaf community. She is also working on the B.A.R.T to make it better for the deaf population.
This has inspired me. I have been a bit lost lately, trying to think about what I want to do as a career. People seem to tell us that we need to pick something we want at 18. College is so expensive it really seems like we have one shot. So either you do something you love or you're screwed.
On that note, I have been thinking about advocacy. My parents have been pushing me to work on the Presidential campaigns. It seems like I should do that, but I am not that interested. Even though I am a political science and communications major, I cannot stand American Politics. It seems all we do is constantly bicker and fight. One side says one thing, the other says the opposite and we cannot even get things done in the end. I would rather be more concerned about world politics since we live in a global environment. My main thing is I want to help people. So an advocacy program seems to be the right thing for me. Maybe something with a health group for Bipolar disorder.
Medicine change! I was on risperdal for a bit, and lets just say I had some bizarre reactions. I would have a lot of nose bleeds for no reason. I am prone to nose bleeds, but there were different. It was very watery, big nose bleeds, would take a long time to heal, and would start with no reason. I would sit down and then suddenly feel warm liquid something trickle down my nose and smell the metallic.
I got pretty annoyed with this so I looked it up and found out I should contact a doctor immediately if I have an issue. I am on longer on this medicine and on Abilify. It makes me sleepy and I feel drowsy all day.
Little things seem to tick me off, but the medicine helps. While I like the mania, I can reflect on how I act. There is a down side to it. A part of me wants it back. It is hard. I looked up a bunch of famous people with bipolar disorder and was stunned. Maybe I could be a great writer? Those of you probably reading this are shaking their heads. "Nope, you suck," well sorry this is more of a diary format. Screw the dear diary though, that is stupid.
I don't think I will post as periodically since when I get drugged up a lot from the medicine life seems to be a bit difficult. I REALLY want comments from people. You wont believe how much I want them. Follow or subscribe/subscribble whatever it is called on blogspot if you want to keep up with me. It motivates me to continue, and when I crash I will need motivation. But don't feel like I am twisting your arm. I am DESPERATE <---- lol. Do what you want guys. As long as you enjoy it. I have noticed a steady stream of people reading me or at least browsing so that motivated me to write this entry.
So until next time. Bysises *cough* bysies.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Update
Sorry for the lack of posts. Lets just start from the beginning
Dear Journal,
Today is Tuesday July 7th and it is 5:01 PM. So this weekend (on the fourth) I had a massive mania episode. I exploded at my sister. She ticked me off so much I started to scream and have a break down because of my mania. As you all may notice I am not one to sleep and basically the 4th did it in for me. I just could not keep my mania in check and had a tantrum.
During the argument I remembered my father asked me to go vacuum the carpet. My sister started playing her show and I started to clean furiously. I would turn off the tv preventing her from watching and then she decided she had enough with me and turned off the vacuum.
I went off. I started screaming/crying at her causing my mother to come up stairs and scream at me. Screaming really triggers mania for me. I somehow hurt my shoulder (And I dislocated the shoulder a year before) and I didn't even notice it until I was calmed down later.
My mother came up later (with an icepack) and offered to either have me get a 72 hour watch in the hospital or a therapist. I chose the therapist since I calmed down a bit. She called the doctor and the therapist who both got back to her.
The next day I was put on Seroquel and I was knocked out for the day and the next. Today I went to the therapist and we talked about me being bipolar (lets face it cylcothymia is a variant of bipolar disorder so it is easier to say I am bipolar). I am currently looking into a "crazy camp" day thing at a hospital to learn about how I can cope with my bipolar disorder and get help as well as be with people like me.
She also confirmed it, I am Bipolar. Despite what my sister says that I am faking it. It finally feels good to have someone on MY side.
Also to any readers who enjoy my content, please follow and comment. It really gives me motivation and I would love to hear any stories and tips from others who suffer from bipolar disorder and experienced their own adventure. Thanks.
Dear Journal,
Today is Tuesday July 7th and it is 5:01 PM. So this weekend (on the fourth) I had a massive mania episode. I exploded at my sister. She ticked me off so much I started to scream and have a break down because of my mania. As you all may notice I am not one to sleep and basically the 4th did it in for me. I just could not keep my mania in check and had a tantrum.
During the argument I remembered my father asked me to go vacuum the carpet. My sister started playing her show and I started to clean furiously. I would turn off the tv preventing her from watching and then she decided she had enough with me and turned off the vacuum.
I went off. I started screaming/crying at her causing my mother to come up stairs and scream at me. Screaming really triggers mania for me. I somehow hurt my shoulder (And I dislocated the shoulder a year before) and I didn't even notice it until I was calmed down later.
My mother came up later (with an icepack) and offered to either have me get a 72 hour watch in the hospital or a therapist. I chose the therapist since I calmed down a bit. She called the doctor and the therapist who both got back to her.
The next day I was put on Seroquel and I was knocked out for the day and the next. Today I went to the therapist and we talked about me being bipolar (lets face it cylcothymia is a variant of bipolar disorder so it is easier to say I am bipolar). I am currently looking into a "crazy camp" day thing at a hospital to learn about how I can cope with my bipolar disorder and get help as well as be with people like me.
She also confirmed it, I am Bipolar. Despite what my sister says that I am faking it. It finally feels good to have someone on MY side.
Also to any readers who enjoy my content, please follow and comment. It really gives me motivation and I would love to hear any stories and tips from others who suffer from bipolar disorder and experienced their own adventure. Thanks.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Homophobia
Dear Journal,
Today is Sunday June 28 and it is 2:02 AM. Yes another early morning post. I have been slowly sleeping a bit more. It seems my medicine might actually be working and my mania is calming down. I am losing a bit of my creativity it seems. I find things to be slowing down a bit at a time and I really am not happy about it. I still don't sleep well, but now I am starting to feel a bit tired when I wake up in the morning. In the mornings I would wake up instantly, rub my eyes and just be fine. Now I get up and have the urge to sleep more.
Funny is the other night I had my phone next to my bed. When I actually got up like before my sister got me up around 1. Funny thing is apparently I must have punched the area where the alarm was going off because my ipod on my ihome was no longer connected to the dock. My body seems to enjoy sleep a bit more once I wake up.
Maybe I will get a good night sleep? Anyway in other news it rained again today and guess what I ran outside in the rain because I liked how it felt. It was fun to run around and get drenched by the downpour and I felt good. Even though I was soaked.
However as you can see journal I have been talking a lot about sexuality and mine. Well late last night after my entry I went on facebook to see someone who I am friends with (although haven't seen in a while) post something that differs from her usual selfie where she wears skimpy outfits.
She posted about how homosexuality is a choice and how its wrong and a sin. She threw out bible quotes and other things and I couldn't help, but be insulted. Here I am questioning things maybe even partially teensy bit coming out of a closet and then I just see how people like her react. Sad thing is other people I knew and was friends with agreed with what she was saying. However on the bright side it was a minority.
Most people were calling her out on how homophobic she was, how ignorant she was being, etc. etc. She acted like she was saying the truth as if she knew what she was talking about. I decided to share a story about someone I knew. Essentially this girl in one of my classes freshman year (who I was friends with) no longer goes to my college. Why? Because her parents abandoned her once they found out about her relationship. They did not approve of how she was dating a female to male transsexual and would no longer pay for her education, let her live with them, etc. She had to beg her family to let her stay in college for another semester.
She ended up having to drop out of school and beg for money hoping people would try and help her out. She was a smart person who had real ambitions and her parents were bigots who could not accept her for who she was. She ended up having to go work jobs and pay for her own food, shelter, and medicine. Who does that to their child?
The way she spoke sounded like an argument from the Westboro Baptist Church and I was so disgusted that people I knew thought this way. I was more disgusted she believed it and thought it was the word of god.
Personally I don't know if god is real or not. Sometimes I think he is real, sometimes I doubt it. I am more agnostic, but I hate how people throw religion in an argument and it saddens me that religion is this answer to people. I just want to call out how people believe everything from a book written thousands of years ago. I think my view of religion might be better suited for another entry on its on. Probably tomorrow.
Still, it upsets me that here I am questioning everything and this homophobia gets thrown in my face. It makes me so angry and frustrated.
Today is Sunday June 28 and it is 2:02 AM. Yes another early morning post. I have been slowly sleeping a bit more. It seems my medicine might actually be working and my mania is calming down. I am losing a bit of my creativity it seems. I find things to be slowing down a bit at a time and I really am not happy about it. I still don't sleep well, but now I am starting to feel a bit tired when I wake up in the morning. In the mornings I would wake up instantly, rub my eyes and just be fine. Now I get up and have the urge to sleep more.
Funny is the other night I had my phone next to my bed. When I actually got up like before my sister got me up around 1. Funny thing is apparently I must have punched the area where the alarm was going off because my ipod on my ihome was no longer connected to the dock. My body seems to enjoy sleep a bit more once I wake up.
Maybe I will get a good night sleep? Anyway in other news it rained again today and guess what I ran outside in the rain because I liked how it felt. It was fun to run around and get drenched by the downpour and I felt good. Even though I was soaked.
However as you can see journal I have been talking a lot about sexuality and mine. Well late last night after my entry I went on facebook to see someone who I am friends with (although haven't seen in a while) post something that differs from her usual selfie where she wears skimpy outfits.
She posted about how homosexuality is a choice and how its wrong and a sin. She threw out bible quotes and other things and I couldn't help, but be insulted. Here I am questioning things maybe even partially teensy bit coming out of a closet and then I just see how people like her react. Sad thing is other people I knew and was friends with agreed with what she was saying. However on the bright side it was a minority.
Most people were calling her out on how homophobic she was, how ignorant she was being, etc. etc. She acted like she was saying the truth as if she knew what she was talking about. I decided to share a story about someone I knew. Essentially this girl in one of my classes freshman year (who I was friends with) no longer goes to my college. Why? Because her parents abandoned her once they found out about her relationship. They did not approve of how she was dating a female to male transsexual and would no longer pay for her education, let her live with them, etc. She had to beg her family to let her stay in college for another semester.
She ended up having to drop out of school and beg for money hoping people would try and help her out. She was a smart person who had real ambitions and her parents were bigots who could not accept her for who she was. She ended up having to go work jobs and pay for her own food, shelter, and medicine. Who does that to their child?
The way she spoke sounded like an argument from the Westboro Baptist Church and I was so disgusted that people I knew thought this way. I was more disgusted she believed it and thought it was the word of god.
Personally I don't know if god is real or not. Sometimes I think he is real, sometimes I doubt it. I am more agnostic, but I hate how people throw religion in an argument and it saddens me that religion is this answer to people. I just want to call out how people believe everything from a book written thousands of years ago. I think my view of religion might be better suited for another entry on its on. Probably tomorrow.
Still, it upsets me that here I am questioning everything and this homophobia gets thrown in my face. It makes me so angry and frustrated.
Friday, June 26, 2015
So I missed a day, sue me
Dear Journal
Today is Saturday June 27 at 1:20 am. I know what you're thinking, you are being irresponsible and are not keeping up with your whole "must do 1 post a day" routine. Honestly today I got another 3:30 hours of sleep but then instead went back to sleep for another 2 hours giving me 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep. My body might be a bit desperate for sleep.
It seems kind of ironic that I spoke about possibly being bi and today (well Friday) the Supreme Court made it so gay marriage is legal in all states. Second is I might have accidentally come out to my dad without realizing it. He asked me a question resembling "if you're straight or gay I would still love you" because we were on the topic. Heartwarming. Essentially the conversation ended up with me neither admitting to being straight or gay and he was a bit confused. I passed it off though like I was keeping him in the dark. Do I want to admit that I am actually bi? I think I said I was figuring things out or what not and he was a bit confused by my statement.
I think it is hard to be called 100% straight or 100% gay because of the Kinsey Scale. I think we can admit if someone looks good regardless of gender and we might have some attraction. Although some people might not admit it.
I also got stuff done. Cleaning, not my favorite. But I mean it is some sort of accomplishment. Work here seems to be impossible to get. I got offer a crappy internship under the guise of PR, but in reality I would be in a Cosco passing out samples. Bullshit right? Not only that, but I would have to keep the stuff in my car and have to travel around 2 hours away just to get to the location. Dumb I know! I passed it up, but a part of me wonders if it was the right choice. I am not even being called in for other jobs.
I worked in a grocery store last year and they told me I could come back... It didn't happen. Basically it was "I would love to have you back, but I don't think I can." Bullshit right?
Maybe part of me is making this blog diary hoping it would become a success and perhaps I could make some money off it. But it seems no one really goes on my blog anyway. Then again it has only been a few days and I don't share it around. Not only that, but most people my age are on tumblr for blogging rather than blogger. It kinda hurts my "business"... Is this a business? I think part of me wants to be read by others, but it helps just getting it out.
Today I was also unhealthy. After years of not having McDonalds my sister suggested we get it because she was craving it. I feel like shit after eating it. My body is not used to that kind of food... Then again college food isn't the best either and is kinda fast food as well. So am I a hypocrite.
Today is Saturday June 27 at 1:20 am. I know what you're thinking, you are being irresponsible and are not keeping up with your whole "must do 1 post a day" routine. Honestly today I got another 3:30 hours of sleep but then instead went back to sleep for another 2 hours giving me 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep. My body might be a bit desperate for sleep.
It seems kind of ironic that I spoke about possibly being bi and today (well Friday) the Supreme Court made it so gay marriage is legal in all states. Second is I might have accidentally come out to my dad without realizing it. He asked me a question resembling "if you're straight or gay I would still love you" because we were on the topic. Heartwarming. Essentially the conversation ended up with me neither admitting to being straight or gay and he was a bit confused. I passed it off though like I was keeping him in the dark. Do I want to admit that I am actually bi? I think I said I was figuring things out or what not and he was a bit confused by my statement.
I think it is hard to be called 100% straight or 100% gay because of the Kinsey Scale. I think we can admit if someone looks good regardless of gender and we might have some attraction. Although some people might not admit it.
I also got stuff done. Cleaning, not my favorite. But I mean it is some sort of accomplishment. Work here seems to be impossible to get. I got offer a crappy internship under the guise of PR, but in reality I would be in a Cosco passing out samples. Bullshit right? Not only that, but I would have to keep the stuff in my car and have to travel around 2 hours away just to get to the location. Dumb I know! I passed it up, but a part of me wonders if it was the right choice. I am not even being called in for other jobs.
I worked in a grocery store last year and they told me I could come back... It didn't happen. Basically it was "I would love to have you back, but I don't think I can." Bullshit right?
Maybe part of me is making this blog diary hoping it would become a success and perhaps I could make some money off it. But it seems no one really goes on my blog anyway. Then again it has only been a few days and I don't share it around. Not only that, but most people my age are on tumblr for blogging rather than blogger. It kinda hurts my "business"... Is this a business? I think part of me wants to be read by others, but it helps just getting it out.
Today I was also unhealthy. After years of not having McDonalds my sister suggested we get it because she was craving it. I feel like shit after eating it. My body is not used to that kind of food... Then again college food isn't the best either and is kinda fast food as well. So am I a hypocrite.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Libido
Dear Journal,
Today is Thursday June 25th, and I went to bed at 6:00 AM this morning. The thing is I actually slept. For some reason even though I felt fine, my body was exhausted enough for me to sleep until 1. I would have even slept longer had I not been woken up by my sister to take her to work.
Is the medicine working? I take Lamictal at such a low dose though, it shouldn't be kicking in yet. And I feel manic still. I feel GREAT. Although today I felt slow. Like the sleep kept me back and I wonder if that is why people feel great when manic. We don't sleep and our bodies compensate. While everyone else feels drained and exhausted I feel wired.
It doesn't sound normal. If people sleep 3 hours the night before, would they have the energy to even get up, let alone run through a day and cycle of 24 hours? Maybe I am broken.
Did I crash last night? Is that what happened. Or could it be something else. This is going to be a bit embarrassing Journal, but I have kept one symptom rather secret since it is a tad embarrassing. I didn't bring it up with the doctor either, although if he asked about it I might have nodded.
The symptom, my libido, my sex drive is waaaaay up. Like beyond that of a normal teen kid (even though I am 20) the desire to have sex is so strong right now. I would like to think it is normal for people to masturbate 2 or 3 times a day, me... It is more like 10 times. One right after the other. Its like I don't even have a long refractory period after I cum (lets face it this is a journal I will not say achieve orgasm), a few minutes later I am revving to go.
So during the night I kinda have been... busy. I have done things online and participated in anonymous activities to relieve myself. Sometimes I would like to think myself as sexy and others I do not. But during these times I just crave it, every fiber of my being and my mind wants it. I think I would fuck anyone at this point. Not just girls but guys too. Am I bi or do I crave sex that much it doesn't matter who with?
I have questioned my sexuality at one point or another like many people, but now is the first time I am really thinking about it. I am in a very progressive/open household so if I happened to be bi it would not be a problem, but question is I don't know if I can admit it to myself. Am I bi? Is this the mania? If I find I am bi will I come out with it? Come out of the shoebox (It seems more fitting than a closet)
Maybe my mind is just a bit weak right now. I don't feel like I am at full strength in this manic times. I felt so creative last night, new ideas for stories or writing just poured out of me. Problem is I didn't even write it down since I was a bit busy fooling around over and over and over and over.
So today was a bit slow for me. I am not sure I liked it. Am I crashing? I DON'T WANT TO CRASH I LOVE THE MANIA!
Then again it was also raining today. You would think I am in seattle, although if you look at times I say I am writing and times it is posted you would notice it goes by EST. Is there a way to change this and put EST instead of PST on the post time?
So during the rain I had to just go outside again and stand in the rain. Then I screamed and shouted (and let it all out. it goes on and on and on and on) just to sort of let it out. I feel better in the rain. I guess it has a cleansing effect or maybe I am a romantic in my mania and would kiss a girl and fool around with her in the rain.
It seems interesting to me I automatically think about kissing a girl. Are we conditioned for this? Or is that how I truly feel in a Freudian way. Sexuality is on a Kinsey Scale and maybe I rate my attractiveness to girls higher than guys? Am I attracted to guys? Stuff to think about.
Today is Thursday June 25th, and I went to bed at 6:00 AM this morning. The thing is I actually slept. For some reason even though I felt fine, my body was exhausted enough for me to sleep until 1. I would have even slept longer had I not been woken up by my sister to take her to work.
Is the medicine working? I take Lamictal at such a low dose though, it shouldn't be kicking in yet. And I feel manic still. I feel GREAT. Although today I felt slow. Like the sleep kept me back and I wonder if that is why people feel great when manic. We don't sleep and our bodies compensate. While everyone else feels drained and exhausted I feel wired.
It doesn't sound normal. If people sleep 3 hours the night before, would they have the energy to even get up, let alone run through a day and cycle of 24 hours? Maybe I am broken.
Did I crash last night? Is that what happened. Or could it be something else. This is going to be a bit embarrassing Journal, but I have kept one symptom rather secret since it is a tad embarrassing. I didn't bring it up with the doctor either, although if he asked about it I might have nodded.
The symptom, my libido, my sex drive is waaaaay up. Like beyond that of a normal teen kid (even though I am 20) the desire to have sex is so strong right now. I would like to think it is normal for people to masturbate 2 or 3 times a day, me... It is more like 10 times. One right after the other. Its like I don't even have a long refractory period after I cum (lets face it this is a journal I will not say achieve orgasm), a few minutes later I am revving to go.
So during the night I kinda have been... busy. I have done things online and participated in anonymous activities to relieve myself. Sometimes I would like to think myself as sexy and others I do not. But during these times I just crave it, every fiber of my being and my mind wants it. I think I would fuck anyone at this point. Not just girls but guys too. Am I bi or do I crave sex that much it doesn't matter who with?
I have questioned my sexuality at one point or another like many people, but now is the first time I am really thinking about it. I am in a very progressive/open household so if I happened to be bi it would not be a problem, but question is I don't know if I can admit it to myself. Am I bi? Is this the mania? If I find I am bi will I come out with it? Come out of the shoebox (It seems more fitting than a closet)
So today was a bit slow for me. I am not sure I liked it. Am I crashing? I DON'T WANT TO CRASH I LOVE THE MANIA!
Then again it was also raining today. You would think I am in seattle, although if you look at times I say I am writing and times it is posted you would notice it goes by EST. Is there a way to change this and put EST instead of PST on the post time?
So during the rain I had to just go outside again and stand in the rain. Then I screamed and shouted (and let it all out. it goes on and on and on and on) just to sort of let it out. I feel better in the rain. I guess it has a cleansing effect or maybe I am a romantic in my mania and would kiss a girl and fool around with her in the rain.
It seems interesting to me I automatically think about kissing a girl. Are we conditioned for this? Or is that how I truly feel in a Freudian way. Sexuality is on a Kinsey Scale and maybe I rate my attractiveness to girls higher than guys? Am I attracted to guys? Stuff to think about.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Who needs sleep anyway
Dear Journal,
Today is Wednesday June 24th and it is 3:10 in the afternoon. Speaking of "threes" I am running on three and a half hours of sleep and honestly I feel great.
Yesterday I survived my scare of taking too much medicine by accident. I AM ALIVE! Anyway I managed to get a bit more sleep the night before. I guess today is all about sleep.
I don't feel like I need much. Yesterday I didn't do much when I got more sleep. I had planned on going outside and running, but that really didn't happen considering we had a giant storm here.
The wind was large and there are still some branches on the ground from last nights storm. I loved it. The rain was pour and what did I do? I ran outside. I went outside onto the patio and just danced in the rain. I don't know why, but the rain seems to be calming.
(I wish it was this kind of rain)
Anyway it was storming outside and I just wanted to be out in the rain. Despite the thunder and lightning and all the dangers we were all warned about as children, I ran outside and danced.
I made a list and actually accomplished some things, but my mind is rather scattered. Last night my mind was racing. Instead of taking my medicine in the morning I decided to take it at night since the side effects are drowsiness.
Those side effects were thrown out the window. I was up until 6 am because my mind was just racing and I couldn't stop. I LOVE IT. Why do we have to treat mania and let it run wild? Can't we just enjoy it?
So today even running with little sleep I managed to go to the post office and file for a passport for the second time. What happened the first time? I got to the post office (a different one which I will not return) and waited for 30 minutes for someone to help me. According to the rules you must make an appointment and when I asked about my appointment they said "we will be right there" finally after a half hour after the appointment they told me the system was down or some other bullshit.
Today when I went it was done almost instantly, no problem what so ever. Why can't every place be efficient?
Enough about my ranting. I think I spoke to you enough journal.
_x__|__o_|_x__
_o__|__x_|_x__
o | x | o <---- Cat's game. (Why is it called that?)
Sometimes I wish I could draw directly on here. I miss doodling on margins of papers like I was a kid.
Today is Wednesday June 24th and it is 3:10 in the afternoon. Speaking of "threes" I am running on three and a half hours of sleep and honestly I feel great.
Yesterday I survived my scare of taking too much medicine by accident. I AM ALIVE! Anyway I managed to get a bit more sleep the night before. I guess today is all about sleep.
I don't feel like I need much. Yesterday I didn't do much when I got more sleep. I had planned on going outside and running, but that really didn't happen considering we had a giant storm here.
The wind was large and there are still some branches on the ground from last nights storm. I loved it. The rain was pour and what did I do? I ran outside. I went outside onto the patio and just danced in the rain. I don't know why, but the rain seems to be calming.
Anyway it was storming outside and I just wanted to be out in the rain. Despite the thunder and lightning and all the dangers we were all warned about as children, I ran outside and danced.
I made a list and actually accomplished some things, but my mind is rather scattered. Last night my mind was racing. Instead of taking my medicine in the morning I decided to take it at night since the side effects are drowsiness.
Those side effects were thrown out the window. I was up until 6 am because my mind was just racing and I couldn't stop. I LOVE IT. Why do we have to treat mania and let it run wild? Can't we just enjoy it?
So today even running with little sleep I managed to go to the post office and file for a passport for the second time. What happened the first time? I got to the post office (a different one which I will not return) and waited for 30 minutes for someone to help me. According to the rules you must make an appointment and when I asked about my appointment they said "we will be right there" finally after a half hour after the appointment they told me the system was down or some other bullshit.
Today when I went it was done almost instantly, no problem what so ever. Why can't every place be efficient?
Enough about my ranting. I think I spoke to you enough journal.
_x__|__o_|_x__
_o__|__x_|_x__
o | x | o <---- Cat's game. (Why is it called that?)
Sometimes I wish I could draw directly on here. I miss doodling on margins of papers like I was a kid.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Just a Manic Monday (Even Though it is Tuesday Now)
Dear Journal,
Today is Tuesday June 23rd and the time is 1:35 AM. My first thought is if I should change the "Dear Journal" to a "Dear Diary" for the whole cliche. Although I think I might be avoiding the main point of today's post.
Time for some celebration! I am posting my very first post! Pop the champagne and pour the bubbly into a glass. Oh wait, I am only 20 and I can't drink yet. Although I don't think I really should be drinking anyway. Perhaps I will tell you all about that in the future. Do I want to? Yeah I think I do.
The point of my online journal is to express my thoughts and feelings on some form of medium. On Monday (Yes journal today's entry will be considered one for Monday even though it is 1:41 now in the morning on Tuesday. Might as well reflect on the events that went on Monday) Sorry I might ramble on a bit, most of my writing will be in a stream of consciousness format considering it is what is going through my head right now. I feel this seems appropriate considering this is in a journal format.
The whole thing started when my dad suggested I post what is going on my head in a journal. Personally I love to write and I love to express myself. I find myself to have friendship with muses and can often think of stories on a regular basis. So shout out to Thalia the Greek Muse. Anyway I decided it would be interesting to put my story in a blog instead. While I have kept journals before, I often wrote in them sparingly and only when I was particularly angry. Maybe I might dig one up and transcribe it on here so people can get a good laugh of what was going in my mind as a 10 year old kid.
Anyway I recently became aware I might have a version of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia. I found out last friday when I visited the doctor. I originally went to see the doctor about my ADHD which I have been diagnosed as since I was a kid. I have been taking Concerta for years to help me with my ADHD, but the side effects made me hate taking it. It got to a point where I really hated taking it so I wouldn't even though I needed it. My doctor ended up prescribing some drug which currently escapes me which is generally not used for ADHD, but would not have the stimulant part that most ADHD drugs had. I had a horrible reaction to it and started to develop some depression even though it was supposed to help with that.
I have been on Prozac for years as well to help with more anxiety. I was instructed not to take it when we were trying the new ADHD pills which sort of unlocked the gates for my depression. It was quickly discovered there might be some things it also helped me cope with that flew under the radar before (the depression).
I was quickly switched to Wellbutrin for my ADHD and the Prozac which also would help with any depression I was suffering. This did not go well with my body at all. My body kept shaking. My hands trembled to a point where I could not even hold my phone properly and look on the screen with it shaking. I quickly called the doctor and was instructed to not take more of the Wellbutrin.
Then I came in for a visit as we discussed medicine, but I was not depressed any more. I felt good, really good. Like I feel good now. I feel on top of the world. I feel my mind racing and thoughts just going to my finger tips with each stroke of the keys. I did not need to sleep that much any more. I felt my mind race often, speaking incredibly fast. I feel as though my mind doesn't even need periods. The best way to describe my mind right now is a giant run on sentence that just adds more and more information and connects every tiny bit of information with whatever is next I mean who needs periods certainly not me no not at all screw grammar.
I get this feeling sometimes where I just need to run. It happened today actually when I was driving. I felt the desire to just pull over and just run. The thing is I hate running, but for that moment it is what I wanted to do the most. Anyone else feel like this? Am I crazy?
Thinking back on my recent diagnosis I am not at all surprised by this. It explains so much to me. I remember being in school going on the elevator with friends as we came back to the dorms and I told them how I only had a few hours of sleep and felt amazing. I was giggling, laughing, talking really fast and they thought I was acting really strange. Other times I just wanted to be left alone and just curl up and sleep. The only desire I had was staying in my bed and let time pass me by. All motivation was gone to do anything.
I love the mania so much more. I feel incredible. When I was younger I was a bit... ambitious or at least I thought I was. I have this desire to learn languages sometimes and for some reason I had to learn Russian and began to study it on my own. I thought I was just ambitious, but now I question if it was mania. Same thing happened last year at school when I took a bit too much to chew and decided to learn a language, a really hard one. But more on that later.
Maybe if people are curious about me and want to know they will stick around. Although I think I am writing this as much for myself as well as others. I need to get my thoughts down as fast as I think. Then again my mind is racing so much I can't even (lol) type as fast as I think.
Back to my main post storyline thingy whatever it is called. The doctor talked to me and we kinda discussed how it might be not just depression, but maybe mania as well. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. So instead of giving me the cliche (is that the word of the day or something) drug lithium I got this other drug he likes to use since it doesn't have many bad side effects, except that I might DIE!
So basically this drug has a side effect (A rare one) that causes a person to develop Stevens-Johnson syndrome. Basically it would impact my mucous membranes and I need to keep an eye out for rashes or if I get a fever. Basically flu like symptoms. (Ebola anyone or too soon?) One of the main reasons this developed is if you take too much too fast, and today (err Monday) I fucked up my dose.
That is right journal I am not perfect even though my mind feels that way right now. I can admit my mistakes at least. Can I get a prize for that? Apparently I need to stay at the smallest dose for 2 weeks and not 2 days. I accidentally doubled up doses and took twice as much as I should and I freaked out.
Not to mention the day before I thought I saw a rash and freaked out before, but the double dose thing got me to freak out as well. Am I going to die? So far no symptoms for Stevens-Johnson syndrome have appeared so I think I might be fine and got a bit lucky. I learned my lesson haha.
But that is not the only thing that happened to me today! I had what I would like to call an episode. I was kinda freaking out at one point and was pacing around (I pace a lot) so my parents suggested I go outside.
Outisde? Dashing? Running? YES PLEASE! I ran outside and began to just pace around muttering things to myself, putting together conversations and thoughts and just spilling them out. I felt off since the medicine has a side effect of causing drowsiness and I should be taking it at night. I don't really want to sleep though. So I was tearing up and crying and then I saw a stick and began to hit things with it. I hit chairs, I hit the ground, and it felt so good.
I enjoyed hitting things not because I wanted to hurt things or destroy them, but to create sound. Music seems to be a bit more intense for me right now. Like I can feel the beat a lot more, feel the music and have it impact me.
SONG RECOMMENDATION WARNING!
Sorry Journal, but I must interrupt this entry with my "commercial" of a song recommendation. Currently I love listening to These Four Walls by Little Mix. Yes I am a boy and this is a girl band, I don't care. I love the sound and I feel the beauty of it. I feel it envelop me and feel how intense it is at parts and how sad it is. I love it! The song speaks to me almost and I just love that.
Anyway I started to hit things to see what sound they produced. I heard tings, bangs, whips, bams, and boops. It started to speak to me and make me feel much better. I would hit metal chairs on the patio in order to create sounds like a gong or a bell. Maybe more like a wind chime? Anyway I hit them and created my own symphony and just felt things instantly get better. I then waved the stick and heard the sound of wind rushing around me. I loved that sound too. I began to wave it to hear the pitch and insert other musical sounding words here. I would drag the stick on the ground and slap it, hit the chairs, wave it around and perform songs. It was like I was a conductor of this band and even though the music was kinda bad I felt instantly better. It was like I needed to work out my feelings in a mix of a creative and physical way.
I have been feeling incredibly creative during my mania. I have been drawing something I haven't done since I was a kid, singing, writing, etc. But now I want to do something a bit more physical like run a bit, or just walk. Get rid of this pent up energy. Is this why I have the urge to just bolt? So this blog does help, I might have figured something out. Stay tuned for more information in the future. I like that getting my thoughts out like this helps me reflect.
While it might not be organized well, it is not supposed to be. It is how my mind is thinking right now, how I think. I think in run on sentences and my world doesn't stop. Things seem to slow down for me, because I am going too fast. Things get more intense and I like it.
I think I have rambled on and made a decent first post. Probably riddled with errors, but this is my mind, not a professional post. Should I spell check? Should I proof read? NAH! This is how my mind is thinking right now and I should not try and perfect it, but reflect on it.
I think what I might do is read over the entry from the day before and maybe do a follow up on them. Who knows? Right?
Anyway I think it is time I begin to wrap up my first entry, but I will have some fun with you journal.
Who is the greatest rap artist of all time?
Anne Frank
Make sense? Nope it shouldn't.
Anyway hope you get me journal. You are here for me and maybe so are readers? I don't know. Who would find me interested to read? Hey phantom readers, hope you enjoyed this!
I just completed my first entry! YAY!
Sincerely,
JT
Today is Tuesday June 23rd and the time is 1:35 AM. My first thought is if I should change the "Dear Journal" to a "Dear Diary" for the whole cliche. Although I think I might be avoiding the main point of today's post.
Time for some celebration! I am posting my very first post! Pop the champagne and pour the bubbly into a glass. Oh wait, I am only 20 and I can't drink yet. Although I don't think I really should be drinking anyway. Perhaps I will tell you all about that in the future. Do I want to? Yeah I think I do.
The point of my online journal is to express my thoughts and feelings on some form of medium. On Monday (Yes journal today's entry will be considered one for Monday even though it is 1:41 now in the morning on Tuesday. Might as well reflect on the events that went on Monday) Sorry I might ramble on a bit, most of my writing will be in a stream of consciousness format considering it is what is going through my head right now. I feel this seems appropriate considering this is in a journal format.
The whole thing started when my dad suggested I post what is going on my head in a journal. Personally I love to write and I love to express myself. I find myself to have friendship with muses and can often think of stories on a regular basis. So shout out to Thalia the Greek Muse. Anyway I decided it would be interesting to put my story in a blog instead. While I have kept journals before, I often wrote in them sparingly and only when I was particularly angry. Maybe I might dig one up and transcribe it on here so people can get a good laugh of what was going in my mind as a 10 year old kid.
Anyway I recently became aware I might have a version of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia. I found out last friday when I visited the doctor. I originally went to see the doctor about my ADHD which I have been diagnosed as since I was a kid. I have been taking Concerta for years to help me with my ADHD, but the side effects made me hate taking it. It got to a point where I really hated taking it so I wouldn't even though I needed it. My doctor ended up prescribing some drug which currently escapes me which is generally not used for ADHD, but would not have the stimulant part that most ADHD drugs had. I had a horrible reaction to it and started to develop some depression even though it was supposed to help with that.
I have been on Prozac for years as well to help with more anxiety. I was instructed not to take it when we were trying the new ADHD pills which sort of unlocked the gates for my depression. It was quickly discovered there might be some things it also helped me cope with that flew under the radar before (the depression).
I was quickly switched to Wellbutrin for my ADHD and the Prozac which also would help with any depression I was suffering. This did not go well with my body at all. My body kept shaking. My hands trembled to a point where I could not even hold my phone properly and look on the screen with it shaking. I quickly called the doctor and was instructed to not take more of the Wellbutrin.
Then I came in for a visit as we discussed medicine, but I was not depressed any more. I felt good, really good. Like I feel good now. I feel on top of the world. I feel my mind racing and thoughts just going to my finger tips with each stroke of the keys. I did not need to sleep that much any more. I felt my mind race often, speaking incredibly fast. I feel as though my mind doesn't even need periods. The best way to describe my mind right now is a giant run on sentence that just adds more and more information and connects every tiny bit of information with whatever is next I mean who needs periods certainly not me no not at all screw grammar.
I get this feeling sometimes where I just need to run. It happened today actually when I was driving. I felt the desire to just pull over and just run. The thing is I hate running, but for that moment it is what I wanted to do the most. Anyone else feel like this? Am I crazy?
Thinking back on my recent diagnosis I am not at all surprised by this. It explains so much to me. I remember being in school going on the elevator with friends as we came back to the dorms and I told them how I only had a few hours of sleep and felt amazing. I was giggling, laughing, talking really fast and they thought I was acting really strange. Other times I just wanted to be left alone and just curl up and sleep. The only desire I had was staying in my bed and let time pass me by. All motivation was gone to do anything.
I love the mania so much more. I feel incredible. When I was younger I was a bit... ambitious or at least I thought I was. I have this desire to learn languages sometimes and for some reason I had to learn Russian and began to study it on my own. I thought I was just ambitious, but now I question if it was mania. Same thing happened last year at school when I took a bit too much to chew and decided to learn a language, a really hard one. But more on that later.
Maybe if people are curious about me and want to know they will stick around. Although I think I am writing this as much for myself as well as others. I need to get my thoughts down as fast as I think. Then again my mind is racing so much I can't even (lol) type as fast as I think.
Back to my main post storyline thingy whatever it is called. The doctor talked to me and we kinda discussed how it might be not just depression, but maybe mania as well. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. So instead of giving me the cliche (is that the word of the day or something) drug lithium I got this other drug he likes to use since it doesn't have many bad side effects, except that I might DIE!
So basically this drug has a side effect (A rare one) that causes a person to develop Stevens-Johnson syndrome. Basically it would impact my mucous membranes and I need to keep an eye out for rashes or if I get a fever. Basically flu like symptoms. (Ebola anyone or too soon?) One of the main reasons this developed is if you take too much too fast, and today (err Monday) I fucked up my dose.
That is right journal I am not perfect even though my mind feels that way right now. I can admit my mistakes at least. Can I get a prize for that? Apparently I need to stay at the smallest dose for 2 weeks and not 2 days. I accidentally doubled up doses and took twice as much as I should and I freaked out.
Not to mention the day before I thought I saw a rash and freaked out before, but the double dose thing got me to freak out as well. Am I going to die? So far no symptoms for Stevens-Johnson syndrome have appeared so I think I might be fine and got a bit lucky. I learned my lesson haha.
But that is not the only thing that happened to me today! I had what I would like to call an episode. I was kinda freaking out at one point and was pacing around (I pace a lot) so my parents suggested I go outside.
Outisde? Dashing? Running? YES PLEASE! I ran outside and began to just pace around muttering things to myself, putting together conversations and thoughts and just spilling them out. I felt off since the medicine has a side effect of causing drowsiness and I should be taking it at night. I don't really want to sleep though. So I was tearing up and crying and then I saw a stick and began to hit things with it. I hit chairs, I hit the ground, and it felt so good.
I enjoyed hitting things not because I wanted to hurt things or destroy them, but to create sound. Music seems to be a bit more intense for me right now. Like I can feel the beat a lot more, feel the music and have it impact me.
SONG RECOMMENDATION WARNING!
Sorry Journal, but I must interrupt this entry with my "commercial" of a song recommendation. Currently I love listening to These Four Walls by Little Mix. Yes I am a boy and this is a girl band, I don't care. I love the sound and I feel the beauty of it. I feel it envelop me and feel how intense it is at parts and how sad it is. I love it! The song speaks to me almost and I just love that.
Anyway I started to hit things to see what sound they produced. I heard tings, bangs, whips, bams, and boops. It started to speak to me and make me feel much better. I would hit metal chairs on the patio in order to create sounds like a gong or a bell. Maybe more like a wind chime? Anyway I hit them and created my own symphony and just felt things instantly get better. I then waved the stick and heard the sound of wind rushing around me. I loved that sound too. I began to wave it to hear the pitch and insert other musical sounding words here. I would drag the stick on the ground and slap it, hit the chairs, wave it around and perform songs. It was like I was a conductor of this band and even though the music was kinda bad I felt instantly better. It was like I needed to work out my feelings in a mix of a creative and physical way.
I have been feeling incredibly creative during my mania. I have been drawing something I haven't done since I was a kid, singing, writing, etc. But now I want to do something a bit more physical like run a bit, or just walk. Get rid of this pent up energy. Is this why I have the urge to just bolt? So this blog does help, I might have figured something out. Stay tuned for more information in the future. I like that getting my thoughts out like this helps me reflect.
While it might not be organized well, it is not supposed to be. It is how my mind is thinking right now, how I think. I think in run on sentences and my world doesn't stop. Things seem to slow down for me, because I am going too fast. Things get more intense and I like it.
I think I have rambled on and made a decent first post. Probably riddled with errors, but this is my mind, not a professional post. Should I spell check? Should I proof read? NAH! This is how my mind is thinking right now and I should not try and perfect it, but reflect on it.
I think what I might do is read over the entry from the day before and maybe do a follow up on them. Who knows? Right?
Anyway I think it is time I begin to wrap up my first entry, but I will have some fun with you journal.
Who is the greatest rap artist of all time?
Anne Frank
Make sense? Nope it shouldn't.
Anyway hope you get me journal. You are here for me and maybe so are readers? I don't know. Who would find me interested to read? Hey phantom readers, hope you enjoyed this!
I just completed my first entry! YAY!
Sincerely,
JT
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