So I am actually posting rather frequently and I am looking into maybe moving my blog... I feel like Blogger is dead and frankly a part of me wants to have this read.
I am back at school so that is a plus. I had a doctor's appointment today and we upped the dose to about 300 mg of Lamictal and I got ativan for sleeping since seroquel is kicking my ass. However I refuse to take it since I have a midterm. While I studied for it on the weekend... I don't feel good and will probably study for the next few hours. So why am I on here? Procrastination.
I also saw my therapist and we talked about my anger especially with my dad. This weekend he was mad at me for how cold and distant I have acted. He said I was being rude and frankly it annoys me. I didn't want to eat breakfast, I just felt like it was too hard. Then I saw the beginnings of another hallucination but managed to stop it. But not before I had an emotional response to it. I was a mess, but it helped to just shower and get a haircut. I felt instantly better doing things instead of wallowing in self pity/hate.
I am optimistic things will get better...
I will keep this short. I have work to do and frankly, I am terrified. While I may have an A in the class, this grade is important.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Seeing things
So I am home for the weekend [fall break] and the reason... I am seeing things.
I am scared.
I called up my therapist in a panic expressing what happened. Then I called up my parents, saying I needed to go home.
Saying what was happening... It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was breaking down as I told them. I know when there is an issue you need to speak up, but this... the fear, the panic, it was difficult. I am used to staying silent and not expressing myself in the way. I feel bottling up anger, fear, emotion is the best way to stay focused.
I called my doctor soon after, I learned that a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is called Schizoaffective disorder. [It can be depression + bipolar]. So far my parents know I have been seeing things, as well as my doctor and therapist. My sisters and friends have no idea, and I am debating about telling them. Luckily my doctor does not think I have schizophrenia and that is a HUGE relief.
I don't know what I would do.
So I am home for the main reason to see a doctor visit. I have gotten in a few arguments with my family, especially my father. He didn't get it when I didn't feel like eating. He thought it was because I didn't want his food. When that wasnt it at all. I could feel my stomach growling, but the thought of getting up and eating was just too much.
After all the yelling I came in and just succumbed. He made pancakes just for me and I ate one. I was just staring at the plate and being miserable, when I jumped away. I had an image forming in my mind, of spiders just crawling away from the plate. This swarm moving around, and I was at the beginning states of actually processing it and seeing it. But I jerked away and began to have this strong emotional reaction.
Confession... I was in tears and freaking out.
What did I do? I ran upstairs and took a steaming shower. I felt better just coming out of it. As if just getting clean and doing something else was helping me out. Then I got a haircut. I felt better not only getting clean and a better hygiene but going outside and doing something.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel down. I honestly just want to curl up and watch netflix. I am kinda at a loss for what to watch. I recently finished iZombie, and found that it was surprisingly good. Silly concept, really entertaining, but this is not a paid endorsement so I wont continue on that.
I know I shouldn't care about readers, but I noticed a string of higher viewers. Are people actually reading this? I know its a bit silly, but uh hi guys, whats up?
I have considered doing a mental health vlog and just talking through my life in a quick brief update, letting people keep up with my story, But I am scared. Once I put something out on the internet it is there forever. If people look me up when I try and get a career, they could learn I am bipolar and not employ me because I could be a "risk" or whatever. Granted I would slap a lawsuit on that. I can't help it that I have this.
Recently I have learned that there is a movement to end the stigma around mental health problems. For instance there is this article: [Clickable]. I am thinking about sharing my story on Facebook, but I am so afraid.
There is this fear of being judged. I am slowly telling more and more people. It shouldn't be a big deal, but its scary to talk about.
Maybe one day I will share my story.
In other news I have tried to reach out to friends and I feel like I am being ignored. My friends don't really contact me because I feel like I have pushed them away. It hurts. I feel a bit alone when I am at this really clingy time. I am making new friends all the time, hoping I can find someone to just be there for me when I call out for help.
As for the concept of death. I mean its a scary thing to talk about. Do I want to die? No! While I don't believe in the whole 'Yolo' [you only live once... I want to believe in reincarnation]. I think reaching out and having support [although the little] is really helping me. I have never really thought about it...
Confession...
I have had a dark moment or two as well as the question "Will people miss me", but I push those thoughts away. Frankly I want to live and I have come to learn that when people jump off the bridge they realize that all their problems can be fixed... but it is often too late when they realize this.
As for my blog.
I AM AWFUL. I feel bad I don't update this frequently. I often become super busy and its hard to post sometimes. I really want to make an effort to post things, but a part of me also wants to be read. I have a voice and I have a story, I would like it to be heard, and have feedback. I am now considering moving my blog into a different place. I feel like blogger is dead. No one comes on here. I think making a real website would be an interesting project. I have thought of Tumblr, but I feel like that is just posting other things on your dashboard and just putting interesting things up instead of spitting out your own interesting things. I want a real "meaty" forum to post what I am thinking.
I have a friend who posts for Slate.com and have found that I am a bit jealous. I think it would be really cool to write up articles and post for these places, no matter how silly they could be. [buzzfeed, smoshpit, huffingtonpost <-- although that has a bit more seriousness to it] I am still lost in what I want to do. My therapist told me not to think about these things, but I CAN'T help it. While I know my writing sucks on here, frankly I feel like this is more of a diary than a professional piece. (probably why no one reads this)
I think I tell myself I don't care about my stuff being read, but in reality I do. I feel like a mess.
I am scared.
I called up my therapist in a panic expressing what happened. Then I called up my parents, saying I needed to go home.
Saying what was happening... It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was breaking down as I told them. I know when there is an issue you need to speak up, but this... the fear, the panic, it was difficult. I am used to staying silent and not expressing myself in the way. I feel bottling up anger, fear, emotion is the best way to stay focused.
I called my doctor soon after, I learned that a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is called Schizoaffective disorder. [It can be depression + bipolar]. So far my parents know I have been seeing things, as well as my doctor and therapist. My sisters and friends have no idea, and I am debating about telling them. Luckily my doctor does not think I have schizophrenia and that is a HUGE relief.
I don't know what I would do.
So I am home for the main reason to see a doctor visit. I have gotten in a few arguments with my family, especially my father. He didn't get it when I didn't feel like eating. He thought it was because I didn't want his food. When that wasnt it at all. I could feel my stomach growling, but the thought of getting up and eating was just too much.
After all the yelling I came in and just succumbed. He made pancakes just for me and I ate one. I was just staring at the plate and being miserable, when I jumped away. I had an image forming in my mind, of spiders just crawling away from the plate. This swarm moving around, and I was at the beginning states of actually processing it and seeing it. But I jerked away and began to have this strong emotional reaction.
Confession... I was in tears and freaking out.
What did I do? I ran upstairs and took a steaming shower. I felt better just coming out of it. As if just getting clean and doing something else was helping me out. Then I got a haircut. I felt better not only getting clean and a better hygiene but going outside and doing something.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel down. I honestly just want to curl up and watch netflix. I am kinda at a loss for what to watch. I recently finished iZombie, and found that it was surprisingly good. Silly concept, really entertaining, but this is not a paid endorsement so I wont continue on that.
I know I shouldn't care about readers, but I noticed a string of higher viewers. Are people actually reading this? I know its a bit silly, but uh hi guys, whats up?
I have considered doing a mental health vlog and just talking through my life in a quick brief update, letting people keep up with my story, But I am scared. Once I put something out on the internet it is there forever. If people look me up when I try and get a career, they could learn I am bipolar and not employ me because I could be a "risk" or whatever. Granted I would slap a lawsuit on that. I can't help it that I have this.
Recently I have learned that there is a movement to end the stigma around mental health problems. For instance there is this article: [Clickable]. I am thinking about sharing my story on Facebook, but I am so afraid.
There is this fear of being judged. I am slowly telling more and more people. It shouldn't be a big deal, but its scary to talk about.
Maybe one day I will share my story.
In other news I have tried to reach out to friends and I feel like I am being ignored. My friends don't really contact me because I feel like I have pushed them away. It hurts. I feel a bit alone when I am at this really clingy time. I am making new friends all the time, hoping I can find someone to just be there for me when I call out for help.
As for the concept of death. I mean its a scary thing to talk about. Do I want to die? No! While I don't believe in the whole 'Yolo' [you only live once... I want to believe in reincarnation]. I think reaching out and having support [although the little] is really helping me. I have never really thought about it...
Confession...
I have had a dark moment or two as well as the question "Will people miss me", but I push those thoughts away. Frankly I want to live and I have come to learn that when people jump off the bridge they realize that all their problems can be fixed... but it is often too late when they realize this.
As for my blog.
I AM AWFUL. I feel bad I don't update this frequently. I often become super busy and its hard to post sometimes. I really want to make an effort to post things, but a part of me also wants to be read. I have a voice and I have a story, I would like it to be heard, and have feedback. I am now considering moving my blog into a different place. I feel like blogger is dead. No one comes on here. I think making a real website would be an interesting project. I have thought of Tumblr, but I feel like that is just posting other things on your dashboard and just putting interesting things up instead of spitting out your own interesting things. I want a real "meaty" forum to post what I am thinking.
I have a friend who posts for Slate.com and have found that I am a bit jealous. I think it would be really cool to write up articles and post for these places, no matter how silly they could be. [buzzfeed, smoshpit, huffingtonpost <-- although that has a bit more seriousness to it] I am still lost in what I want to do. My therapist told me not to think about these things, but I CAN'T help it. While I know my writing sucks on here, frankly I feel like this is more of a diary than a professional piece. (probably why no one reads this)
I think I tell myself I don't care about my stuff being read, but in reality I do. I feel like a mess.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
its been a while
I am kind of freaking out.
Imagination is one thing I can be proud of. But now, its starting to frighten me.
I first really noticed it when I was leaving the bathroom at my dorm. I thought I saw a corpse in there. Simple imagination, I knew there was no corpse, but in my mind's eye I saw it.
Later I was in the shower and I imagined what it would be like to have the water running over me turn into a crimson blood staining my skin. And then I saw that blood.
It went away for a while, but in the last couple of days I saw it. There was construction on the road and there was a metal sheet to cover a hole that cars could drive over. I imagined that a car would go through and suddenly I would look down and see a family inside the broken window of the minivan that fell down. I would tell them I am calling the cops, but feel useless that I could not do anything.
It was like a flash, a sudden moment where I am in this imaginary land. Like a daydream.
Recently I had the sudden moment where I felt like I was being mugged, and how I would confess how I was slowly going insane. The robber (he had pale skin, dirty red hair something easy to recall) he would lower his gun, (it was a handgun so a bit cliche) and then I would flip. I would suddenly tackle him, rip the gun away from him and press my thumbs into my eyes destroying them and purposely blinding him. Violent I know. I imagined calling the cops and explaining that it was all self defense. And all these thoughts, instantly happened as I was walking down the sidewalk.
As for how I felt, I was kinda freaking out. I didn't experience a mugging, never had. Why did this pop into my head? Why did something I imagine, why is it sticking with me and why am I reacting to it.
Is there just something else wrong with me?
I am afraid.
I know I should say something... but its hard to admit this. I don't want to get diagnosed with something else, only for everything in my life to be that much harder.
For instance I am slowly going down into depression, and its something I don't want to feel. Do I want to die? No! I think suicide is frankly the worst thing you could do. Sure I am in pain. Sure I hate myself. But death is not the answer.
I heard and read that most people who jump off a bridge and survive, end up saying that the moment after they jump, when its too late, they regret it.
Why am I talking about this? Does it mean I think about it constantly? I honestly don't know. I just know I am scared right now. I really don't know what to do.
Imagination is one thing I can be proud of. But now, its starting to frighten me.
I first really noticed it when I was leaving the bathroom at my dorm. I thought I saw a corpse in there. Simple imagination, I knew there was no corpse, but in my mind's eye I saw it.
Later I was in the shower and I imagined what it would be like to have the water running over me turn into a crimson blood staining my skin. And then I saw that blood.
It went away for a while, but in the last couple of days I saw it. There was construction on the road and there was a metal sheet to cover a hole that cars could drive over. I imagined that a car would go through and suddenly I would look down and see a family inside the broken window of the minivan that fell down. I would tell them I am calling the cops, but feel useless that I could not do anything.
It was like a flash, a sudden moment where I am in this imaginary land. Like a daydream.
Recently I had the sudden moment where I felt like I was being mugged, and how I would confess how I was slowly going insane. The robber (he had pale skin, dirty red hair something easy to recall) he would lower his gun, (it was a handgun so a bit cliche) and then I would flip. I would suddenly tackle him, rip the gun away from him and press my thumbs into my eyes destroying them and purposely blinding him. Violent I know. I imagined calling the cops and explaining that it was all self defense. And all these thoughts, instantly happened as I was walking down the sidewalk.
As for how I felt, I was kinda freaking out. I didn't experience a mugging, never had. Why did this pop into my head? Why did something I imagine, why is it sticking with me and why am I reacting to it.
Is there just something else wrong with me?
I am afraid.
I know I should say something... but its hard to admit this. I don't want to get diagnosed with something else, only for everything in my life to be that much harder.
For instance I am slowly going down into depression, and its something I don't want to feel. Do I want to die? No! I think suicide is frankly the worst thing you could do. Sure I am in pain. Sure I hate myself. But death is not the answer.
I heard and read that most people who jump off a bridge and survive, end up saying that the moment after they jump, when its too late, they regret it.
Why am I talking about this? Does it mean I think about it constantly? I honestly don't know. I just know I am scared right now. I really don't know what to do.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Not so quick update
So I have been on my medicine lately and I have been busy. This summer I have not been able to find a job so I decided to write a book. Yes a book. I recently finished it with around 400 pages. I worked throughout the summer and spent many manic moments writing.
Problem with my blog is I question if people read it. I saw people from another country read my blog. I was shocked. Why read me? Frankly I thought blogger was kind of dead.
I have been having a lot of fights recently with people. Some petty things, but arguments. I have been really aggressive lately.
I saw my deaf Aunt as well. Her son is bipolar and I asked for help about how she dealt with her son having it. I am not that close with that side of the family so it was nice to actually talk to them. I also found out she is responsible for making movie theaters have subtitle equipment for the deaf community. She is also working on the B.A.R.T to make it better for the deaf population.
This has inspired me. I have been a bit lost lately, trying to think about what I want to do as a career. People seem to tell us that we need to pick something we want at 18. College is so expensive it really seems like we have one shot. So either you do something you love or you're screwed.
On that note, I have been thinking about advocacy. My parents have been pushing me to work on the Presidential campaigns. It seems like I should do that, but I am not that interested. Even though I am a political science and communications major, I cannot stand American Politics. It seems all we do is constantly bicker and fight. One side says one thing, the other says the opposite and we cannot even get things done in the end. I would rather be more concerned about world politics since we live in a global environment. My main thing is I want to help people. So an advocacy program seems to be the right thing for me. Maybe something with a health group for Bipolar disorder.
Medicine change! I was on risperdal for a bit, and lets just say I had some bizarre reactions. I would have a lot of nose bleeds for no reason. I am prone to nose bleeds, but there were different. It was very watery, big nose bleeds, would take a long time to heal, and would start with no reason. I would sit down and then suddenly feel warm liquid something trickle down my nose and smell the metallic.
I got pretty annoyed with this so I looked it up and found out I should contact a doctor immediately if I have an issue. I am on longer on this medicine and on Abilify. It makes me sleepy and I feel drowsy all day.
Little things seem to tick me off, but the medicine helps. While I like the mania, I can reflect on how I act. There is a down side to it. A part of me wants it back. It is hard. I looked up a bunch of famous people with bipolar disorder and was stunned. Maybe I could be a great writer? Those of you probably reading this are shaking their heads. "Nope, you suck," well sorry this is more of a diary format. Screw the dear diary though, that is stupid.
I don't think I will post as periodically since when I get drugged up a lot from the medicine life seems to be a bit difficult. I REALLY want comments from people. You wont believe how much I want them. Follow or subscribe/subscribble whatever it is called on blogspot if you want to keep up with me. It motivates me to continue, and when I crash I will need motivation. But don't feel like I am twisting your arm. I am DESPERATE <---- lol. Do what you want guys. As long as you enjoy it. I have noticed a steady stream of people reading me or at least browsing so that motivated me to write this entry.
So until next time. Bysises *cough* bysies.
Problem with my blog is I question if people read it. I saw people from another country read my blog. I was shocked. Why read me? Frankly I thought blogger was kind of dead.
I have been having a lot of fights recently with people. Some petty things, but arguments. I have been really aggressive lately.
I saw my deaf Aunt as well. Her son is bipolar and I asked for help about how she dealt with her son having it. I am not that close with that side of the family so it was nice to actually talk to them. I also found out she is responsible for making movie theaters have subtitle equipment for the deaf community. She is also working on the B.A.R.T to make it better for the deaf population.
This has inspired me. I have been a bit lost lately, trying to think about what I want to do as a career. People seem to tell us that we need to pick something we want at 18. College is so expensive it really seems like we have one shot. So either you do something you love or you're screwed.
On that note, I have been thinking about advocacy. My parents have been pushing me to work on the Presidential campaigns. It seems like I should do that, but I am not that interested. Even though I am a political science and communications major, I cannot stand American Politics. It seems all we do is constantly bicker and fight. One side says one thing, the other says the opposite and we cannot even get things done in the end. I would rather be more concerned about world politics since we live in a global environment. My main thing is I want to help people. So an advocacy program seems to be the right thing for me. Maybe something with a health group for Bipolar disorder.
Medicine change! I was on risperdal for a bit, and lets just say I had some bizarre reactions. I would have a lot of nose bleeds for no reason. I am prone to nose bleeds, but there were different. It was very watery, big nose bleeds, would take a long time to heal, and would start with no reason. I would sit down and then suddenly feel warm liquid something trickle down my nose and smell the metallic.
I got pretty annoyed with this so I looked it up and found out I should contact a doctor immediately if I have an issue. I am on longer on this medicine and on Abilify. It makes me sleepy and I feel drowsy all day.
Little things seem to tick me off, but the medicine helps. While I like the mania, I can reflect on how I act. There is a down side to it. A part of me wants it back. It is hard. I looked up a bunch of famous people with bipolar disorder and was stunned. Maybe I could be a great writer? Those of you probably reading this are shaking their heads. "Nope, you suck," well sorry this is more of a diary format. Screw the dear diary though, that is stupid.
I don't think I will post as periodically since when I get drugged up a lot from the medicine life seems to be a bit difficult. I REALLY want comments from people. You wont believe how much I want them. Follow or subscribe/subscribble whatever it is called on blogspot if you want to keep up with me. It motivates me to continue, and when I crash I will need motivation. But don't feel like I am twisting your arm. I am DESPERATE <---- lol. Do what you want guys. As long as you enjoy it. I have noticed a steady stream of people reading me or at least browsing so that motivated me to write this entry.
So until next time. Bysises *cough* bysies.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Update
Sorry for the lack of posts. Lets just start from the beginning
Dear Journal,
Today is Tuesday July 7th and it is 5:01 PM. So this weekend (on the fourth) I had a massive mania episode. I exploded at my sister. She ticked me off so much I started to scream and have a break down because of my mania. As you all may notice I am not one to sleep and basically the 4th did it in for me. I just could not keep my mania in check and had a tantrum.
During the argument I remembered my father asked me to go vacuum the carpet. My sister started playing her show and I started to clean furiously. I would turn off the tv preventing her from watching and then she decided she had enough with me and turned off the vacuum.
I went off. I started screaming/crying at her causing my mother to come up stairs and scream at me. Screaming really triggers mania for me. I somehow hurt my shoulder (And I dislocated the shoulder a year before) and I didn't even notice it until I was calmed down later.
My mother came up later (with an icepack) and offered to either have me get a 72 hour watch in the hospital or a therapist. I chose the therapist since I calmed down a bit. She called the doctor and the therapist who both got back to her.
The next day I was put on Seroquel and I was knocked out for the day and the next. Today I went to the therapist and we talked about me being bipolar (lets face it cylcothymia is a variant of bipolar disorder so it is easier to say I am bipolar). I am currently looking into a "crazy camp" day thing at a hospital to learn about how I can cope with my bipolar disorder and get help as well as be with people like me.
She also confirmed it, I am Bipolar. Despite what my sister says that I am faking it. It finally feels good to have someone on MY side.
Also to any readers who enjoy my content, please follow and comment. It really gives me motivation and I would love to hear any stories and tips from others who suffer from bipolar disorder and experienced their own adventure. Thanks.
Dear Journal,
Today is Tuesday July 7th and it is 5:01 PM. So this weekend (on the fourth) I had a massive mania episode. I exploded at my sister. She ticked me off so much I started to scream and have a break down because of my mania. As you all may notice I am not one to sleep and basically the 4th did it in for me. I just could not keep my mania in check and had a tantrum.
During the argument I remembered my father asked me to go vacuum the carpet. My sister started playing her show and I started to clean furiously. I would turn off the tv preventing her from watching and then she decided she had enough with me and turned off the vacuum.
I went off. I started screaming/crying at her causing my mother to come up stairs and scream at me. Screaming really triggers mania for me. I somehow hurt my shoulder (And I dislocated the shoulder a year before) and I didn't even notice it until I was calmed down later.
My mother came up later (with an icepack) and offered to either have me get a 72 hour watch in the hospital or a therapist. I chose the therapist since I calmed down a bit. She called the doctor and the therapist who both got back to her.
The next day I was put on Seroquel and I was knocked out for the day and the next. Today I went to the therapist and we talked about me being bipolar (lets face it cylcothymia is a variant of bipolar disorder so it is easier to say I am bipolar). I am currently looking into a "crazy camp" day thing at a hospital to learn about how I can cope with my bipolar disorder and get help as well as be with people like me.
She also confirmed it, I am Bipolar. Despite what my sister says that I am faking it. It finally feels good to have someone on MY side.
Also to any readers who enjoy my content, please follow and comment. It really gives me motivation and I would love to hear any stories and tips from others who suffer from bipolar disorder and experienced their own adventure. Thanks.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Homophobia
Dear Journal,
Today is Sunday June 28 and it is 2:02 AM. Yes another early morning post. I have been slowly sleeping a bit more. It seems my medicine might actually be working and my mania is calming down. I am losing a bit of my creativity it seems. I find things to be slowing down a bit at a time and I really am not happy about it. I still don't sleep well, but now I am starting to feel a bit tired when I wake up in the morning. In the mornings I would wake up instantly, rub my eyes and just be fine. Now I get up and have the urge to sleep more.
Funny is the other night I had my phone next to my bed. When I actually got up like before my sister got me up around 1. Funny thing is apparently I must have punched the area where the alarm was going off because my ipod on my ihome was no longer connected to the dock. My body seems to enjoy sleep a bit more once I wake up.
Maybe I will get a good night sleep? Anyway in other news it rained again today and guess what I ran outside in the rain because I liked how it felt. It was fun to run around and get drenched by the downpour and I felt good. Even though I was soaked.
However as you can see journal I have been talking a lot about sexuality and mine. Well late last night after my entry I went on facebook to see someone who I am friends with (although haven't seen in a while) post something that differs from her usual selfie where she wears skimpy outfits.
She posted about how homosexuality is a choice and how its wrong and a sin. She threw out bible quotes and other things and I couldn't help, but be insulted. Here I am questioning things maybe even partially teensy bit coming out of a closet and then I just see how people like her react. Sad thing is other people I knew and was friends with agreed with what she was saying. However on the bright side it was a minority.
Most people were calling her out on how homophobic she was, how ignorant she was being, etc. etc. She acted like she was saying the truth as if she knew what she was talking about. I decided to share a story about someone I knew. Essentially this girl in one of my classes freshman year (who I was friends with) no longer goes to my college. Why? Because her parents abandoned her once they found out about her relationship. They did not approve of how she was dating a female to male transsexual and would no longer pay for her education, let her live with them, etc. She had to beg her family to let her stay in college for another semester.
She ended up having to drop out of school and beg for money hoping people would try and help her out. She was a smart person who had real ambitions and her parents were bigots who could not accept her for who she was. She ended up having to go work jobs and pay for her own food, shelter, and medicine. Who does that to their child?
The way she spoke sounded like an argument from the Westboro Baptist Church and I was so disgusted that people I knew thought this way. I was more disgusted she believed it and thought it was the word of god.
Personally I don't know if god is real or not. Sometimes I think he is real, sometimes I doubt it. I am more agnostic, but I hate how people throw religion in an argument and it saddens me that religion is this answer to people. I just want to call out how people believe everything from a book written thousands of years ago. I think my view of religion might be better suited for another entry on its on. Probably tomorrow.
Still, it upsets me that here I am questioning everything and this homophobia gets thrown in my face. It makes me so angry and frustrated.
Today is Sunday June 28 and it is 2:02 AM. Yes another early morning post. I have been slowly sleeping a bit more. It seems my medicine might actually be working and my mania is calming down. I am losing a bit of my creativity it seems. I find things to be slowing down a bit at a time and I really am not happy about it. I still don't sleep well, but now I am starting to feel a bit tired when I wake up in the morning. In the mornings I would wake up instantly, rub my eyes and just be fine. Now I get up and have the urge to sleep more.
Funny is the other night I had my phone next to my bed. When I actually got up like before my sister got me up around 1. Funny thing is apparently I must have punched the area where the alarm was going off because my ipod on my ihome was no longer connected to the dock. My body seems to enjoy sleep a bit more once I wake up.
Maybe I will get a good night sleep? Anyway in other news it rained again today and guess what I ran outside in the rain because I liked how it felt. It was fun to run around and get drenched by the downpour and I felt good. Even though I was soaked.
However as you can see journal I have been talking a lot about sexuality and mine. Well late last night after my entry I went on facebook to see someone who I am friends with (although haven't seen in a while) post something that differs from her usual selfie where she wears skimpy outfits.
She posted about how homosexuality is a choice and how its wrong and a sin. She threw out bible quotes and other things and I couldn't help, but be insulted. Here I am questioning things maybe even partially teensy bit coming out of a closet and then I just see how people like her react. Sad thing is other people I knew and was friends with agreed with what she was saying. However on the bright side it was a minority.
Most people were calling her out on how homophobic she was, how ignorant she was being, etc. etc. She acted like she was saying the truth as if she knew what she was talking about. I decided to share a story about someone I knew. Essentially this girl in one of my classes freshman year (who I was friends with) no longer goes to my college. Why? Because her parents abandoned her once they found out about her relationship. They did not approve of how she was dating a female to male transsexual and would no longer pay for her education, let her live with them, etc. She had to beg her family to let her stay in college for another semester.
She ended up having to drop out of school and beg for money hoping people would try and help her out. She was a smart person who had real ambitions and her parents were bigots who could not accept her for who she was. She ended up having to go work jobs and pay for her own food, shelter, and medicine. Who does that to their child?
The way she spoke sounded like an argument from the Westboro Baptist Church and I was so disgusted that people I knew thought this way. I was more disgusted she believed it and thought it was the word of god.
Personally I don't know if god is real or not. Sometimes I think he is real, sometimes I doubt it. I am more agnostic, but I hate how people throw religion in an argument and it saddens me that religion is this answer to people. I just want to call out how people believe everything from a book written thousands of years ago. I think my view of religion might be better suited for another entry on its on. Probably tomorrow.
Still, it upsets me that here I am questioning everything and this homophobia gets thrown in my face. It makes me so angry and frustrated.
Friday, June 26, 2015
So I missed a day, sue me
Dear Journal
Today is Saturday June 27 at 1:20 am. I know what you're thinking, you are being irresponsible and are not keeping up with your whole "must do 1 post a day" routine. Honestly today I got another 3:30 hours of sleep but then instead went back to sleep for another 2 hours giving me 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep. My body might be a bit desperate for sleep.
It seems kind of ironic that I spoke about possibly being bi and today (well Friday) the Supreme Court made it so gay marriage is legal in all states. Second is I might have accidentally come out to my dad without realizing it. He asked me a question resembling "if you're straight or gay I would still love you" because we were on the topic. Heartwarming. Essentially the conversation ended up with me neither admitting to being straight or gay and he was a bit confused. I passed it off though like I was keeping him in the dark. Do I want to admit that I am actually bi? I think I said I was figuring things out or what not and he was a bit confused by my statement.
I think it is hard to be called 100% straight or 100% gay because of the Kinsey Scale. I think we can admit if someone looks good regardless of gender and we might have some attraction. Although some people might not admit it.
I also got stuff done. Cleaning, not my favorite. But I mean it is some sort of accomplishment. Work here seems to be impossible to get. I got offer a crappy internship under the guise of PR, but in reality I would be in a Cosco passing out samples. Bullshit right? Not only that, but I would have to keep the stuff in my car and have to travel around 2 hours away just to get to the location. Dumb I know! I passed it up, but a part of me wonders if it was the right choice. I am not even being called in for other jobs.
I worked in a grocery store last year and they told me I could come back... It didn't happen. Basically it was "I would love to have you back, but I don't think I can." Bullshit right?
Maybe part of me is making this blog diary hoping it would become a success and perhaps I could make some money off it. But it seems no one really goes on my blog anyway. Then again it has only been a few days and I don't share it around. Not only that, but most people my age are on tumblr for blogging rather than blogger. It kinda hurts my "business"... Is this a business? I think part of me wants to be read by others, but it helps just getting it out.
Today I was also unhealthy. After years of not having McDonalds my sister suggested we get it because she was craving it. I feel like shit after eating it. My body is not used to that kind of food... Then again college food isn't the best either and is kinda fast food as well. So am I a hypocrite.
Today is Saturday June 27 at 1:20 am. I know what you're thinking, you are being irresponsible and are not keeping up with your whole "must do 1 post a day" routine. Honestly today I got another 3:30 hours of sleep but then instead went back to sleep for another 2 hours giving me 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep. My body might be a bit desperate for sleep.
It seems kind of ironic that I spoke about possibly being bi and today (well Friday) the Supreme Court made it so gay marriage is legal in all states. Second is I might have accidentally come out to my dad without realizing it. He asked me a question resembling "if you're straight or gay I would still love you" because we were on the topic. Heartwarming. Essentially the conversation ended up with me neither admitting to being straight or gay and he was a bit confused. I passed it off though like I was keeping him in the dark. Do I want to admit that I am actually bi? I think I said I was figuring things out or what not and he was a bit confused by my statement.
I think it is hard to be called 100% straight or 100% gay because of the Kinsey Scale. I think we can admit if someone looks good regardless of gender and we might have some attraction. Although some people might not admit it.
I also got stuff done. Cleaning, not my favorite. But I mean it is some sort of accomplishment. Work here seems to be impossible to get. I got offer a crappy internship under the guise of PR, but in reality I would be in a Cosco passing out samples. Bullshit right? Not only that, but I would have to keep the stuff in my car and have to travel around 2 hours away just to get to the location. Dumb I know! I passed it up, but a part of me wonders if it was the right choice. I am not even being called in for other jobs.
I worked in a grocery store last year and they told me I could come back... It didn't happen. Basically it was "I would love to have you back, but I don't think I can." Bullshit right?
Maybe part of me is making this blog diary hoping it would become a success and perhaps I could make some money off it. But it seems no one really goes on my blog anyway. Then again it has only been a few days and I don't share it around. Not only that, but most people my age are on tumblr for blogging rather than blogger. It kinda hurts my "business"... Is this a business? I think part of me wants to be read by others, but it helps just getting it out.
Today I was also unhealthy. After years of not having McDonalds my sister suggested we get it because she was craving it. I feel like shit after eating it. My body is not used to that kind of food... Then again college food isn't the best either and is kinda fast food as well. So am I a hypocrite.
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