So I am actually posting rather frequently and I am looking into maybe moving my blog... I feel like Blogger is dead and frankly a part of me wants to have this read.
I am back at school so that is a plus. I had a doctor's appointment today and we upped the dose to about 300 mg of Lamictal and I got ativan for sleeping since seroquel is kicking my ass. However I refuse to take it since I have a midterm. While I studied for it on the weekend... I don't feel good and will probably study for the next few hours. So why am I on here? Procrastination.
I also saw my therapist and we talked about my anger especially with my dad. This weekend he was mad at me for how cold and distant I have acted. He said I was being rude and frankly it annoys me. I didn't want to eat breakfast, I just felt like it was too hard. Then I saw the beginnings of another hallucination but managed to stop it. But not before I had an emotional response to it. I was a mess, but it helped to just shower and get a haircut. I felt instantly better doing things instead of wallowing in self pity/hate.
I am optimistic things will get better...
I will keep this short. I have work to do and frankly, I am terrified. While I may have an A in the class, this grade is important.
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Monday, October 19, 2015
Friday, July 31, 2015
Not so quick update
So I have been on my medicine lately and I have been busy. This summer I have not been able to find a job so I decided to write a book. Yes a book. I recently finished it with around 400 pages. I worked throughout the summer and spent many manic moments writing.
Problem with my blog is I question if people read it. I saw people from another country read my blog. I was shocked. Why read me? Frankly I thought blogger was kind of dead.
I have been having a lot of fights recently with people. Some petty things, but arguments. I have been really aggressive lately.
I saw my deaf Aunt as well. Her son is bipolar and I asked for help about how she dealt with her son having it. I am not that close with that side of the family so it was nice to actually talk to them. I also found out she is responsible for making movie theaters have subtitle equipment for the deaf community. She is also working on the B.A.R.T to make it better for the deaf population.
This has inspired me. I have been a bit lost lately, trying to think about what I want to do as a career. People seem to tell us that we need to pick something we want at 18. College is so expensive it really seems like we have one shot. So either you do something you love or you're screwed.
On that note, I have been thinking about advocacy. My parents have been pushing me to work on the Presidential campaigns. It seems like I should do that, but I am not that interested. Even though I am a political science and communications major, I cannot stand American Politics. It seems all we do is constantly bicker and fight. One side says one thing, the other says the opposite and we cannot even get things done in the end. I would rather be more concerned about world politics since we live in a global environment. My main thing is I want to help people. So an advocacy program seems to be the right thing for me. Maybe something with a health group for Bipolar disorder.
Medicine change! I was on risperdal for a bit, and lets just say I had some bizarre reactions. I would have a lot of nose bleeds for no reason. I am prone to nose bleeds, but there were different. It was very watery, big nose bleeds, would take a long time to heal, and would start with no reason. I would sit down and then suddenly feel warm liquid something trickle down my nose and smell the metallic.
I got pretty annoyed with this so I looked it up and found out I should contact a doctor immediately if I have an issue. I am on longer on this medicine and on Abilify. It makes me sleepy and I feel drowsy all day.
Little things seem to tick me off, but the medicine helps. While I like the mania, I can reflect on how I act. There is a down side to it. A part of me wants it back. It is hard. I looked up a bunch of famous people with bipolar disorder and was stunned. Maybe I could be a great writer? Those of you probably reading this are shaking their heads. "Nope, you suck," well sorry this is more of a diary format. Screw the dear diary though, that is stupid.
I don't think I will post as periodically since when I get drugged up a lot from the medicine life seems to be a bit difficult. I REALLY want comments from people. You wont believe how much I want them. Follow or subscribe/subscribble whatever it is called on blogspot if you want to keep up with me. It motivates me to continue, and when I crash I will need motivation. But don't feel like I am twisting your arm. I am DESPERATE <---- lol. Do what you want guys. As long as you enjoy it. I have noticed a steady stream of people reading me or at least browsing so that motivated me to write this entry.
So until next time. Bysises *cough* bysies.
Problem with my blog is I question if people read it. I saw people from another country read my blog. I was shocked. Why read me? Frankly I thought blogger was kind of dead.
I have been having a lot of fights recently with people. Some petty things, but arguments. I have been really aggressive lately.
I saw my deaf Aunt as well. Her son is bipolar and I asked for help about how she dealt with her son having it. I am not that close with that side of the family so it was nice to actually talk to them. I also found out she is responsible for making movie theaters have subtitle equipment for the deaf community. She is also working on the B.A.R.T to make it better for the deaf population.
This has inspired me. I have been a bit lost lately, trying to think about what I want to do as a career. People seem to tell us that we need to pick something we want at 18. College is so expensive it really seems like we have one shot. So either you do something you love or you're screwed.
On that note, I have been thinking about advocacy. My parents have been pushing me to work on the Presidential campaigns. It seems like I should do that, but I am not that interested. Even though I am a political science and communications major, I cannot stand American Politics. It seems all we do is constantly bicker and fight. One side says one thing, the other says the opposite and we cannot even get things done in the end. I would rather be more concerned about world politics since we live in a global environment. My main thing is I want to help people. So an advocacy program seems to be the right thing for me. Maybe something with a health group for Bipolar disorder.
Medicine change! I was on risperdal for a bit, and lets just say I had some bizarre reactions. I would have a lot of nose bleeds for no reason. I am prone to nose bleeds, but there were different. It was very watery, big nose bleeds, would take a long time to heal, and would start with no reason. I would sit down and then suddenly feel warm liquid something trickle down my nose and smell the metallic.
I got pretty annoyed with this so I looked it up and found out I should contact a doctor immediately if I have an issue. I am on longer on this medicine and on Abilify. It makes me sleepy and I feel drowsy all day.
Little things seem to tick me off, but the medicine helps. While I like the mania, I can reflect on how I act. There is a down side to it. A part of me wants it back. It is hard. I looked up a bunch of famous people with bipolar disorder and was stunned. Maybe I could be a great writer? Those of you probably reading this are shaking their heads. "Nope, you suck," well sorry this is more of a diary format. Screw the dear diary though, that is stupid.
I don't think I will post as periodically since when I get drugged up a lot from the medicine life seems to be a bit difficult. I REALLY want comments from people. You wont believe how much I want them. Follow or subscribe/subscribble whatever it is called on blogspot if you want to keep up with me. It motivates me to continue, and when I crash I will need motivation. But don't feel like I am twisting your arm. I am DESPERATE <---- lol. Do what you want guys. As long as you enjoy it. I have noticed a steady stream of people reading me or at least browsing so that motivated me to write this entry.
So until next time. Bysises *cough* bysies.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Homophobia
Dear Journal,
Today is Sunday June 28 and it is 2:02 AM. Yes another early morning post. I have been slowly sleeping a bit more. It seems my medicine might actually be working and my mania is calming down. I am losing a bit of my creativity it seems. I find things to be slowing down a bit at a time and I really am not happy about it. I still don't sleep well, but now I am starting to feel a bit tired when I wake up in the morning. In the mornings I would wake up instantly, rub my eyes and just be fine. Now I get up and have the urge to sleep more.
Funny is the other night I had my phone next to my bed. When I actually got up like before my sister got me up around 1. Funny thing is apparently I must have punched the area where the alarm was going off because my ipod on my ihome was no longer connected to the dock. My body seems to enjoy sleep a bit more once I wake up.
Maybe I will get a good night sleep? Anyway in other news it rained again today and guess what I ran outside in the rain because I liked how it felt. It was fun to run around and get drenched by the downpour and I felt good. Even though I was soaked.
However as you can see journal I have been talking a lot about sexuality and mine. Well late last night after my entry I went on facebook to see someone who I am friends with (although haven't seen in a while) post something that differs from her usual selfie where she wears skimpy outfits.
She posted about how homosexuality is a choice and how its wrong and a sin. She threw out bible quotes and other things and I couldn't help, but be insulted. Here I am questioning things maybe even partially teensy bit coming out of a closet and then I just see how people like her react. Sad thing is other people I knew and was friends with agreed with what she was saying. However on the bright side it was a minority.
Most people were calling her out on how homophobic she was, how ignorant she was being, etc. etc. She acted like she was saying the truth as if she knew what she was talking about. I decided to share a story about someone I knew. Essentially this girl in one of my classes freshman year (who I was friends with) no longer goes to my college. Why? Because her parents abandoned her once they found out about her relationship. They did not approve of how she was dating a female to male transsexual and would no longer pay for her education, let her live with them, etc. She had to beg her family to let her stay in college for another semester.
She ended up having to drop out of school and beg for money hoping people would try and help her out. She was a smart person who had real ambitions and her parents were bigots who could not accept her for who she was. She ended up having to go work jobs and pay for her own food, shelter, and medicine. Who does that to their child?
The way she spoke sounded like an argument from the Westboro Baptist Church and I was so disgusted that people I knew thought this way. I was more disgusted she believed it and thought it was the word of god.
Personally I don't know if god is real or not. Sometimes I think he is real, sometimes I doubt it. I am more agnostic, but I hate how people throw religion in an argument and it saddens me that religion is this answer to people. I just want to call out how people believe everything from a book written thousands of years ago. I think my view of religion might be better suited for another entry on its on. Probably tomorrow.
Still, it upsets me that here I am questioning everything and this homophobia gets thrown in my face. It makes me so angry and frustrated.
Today is Sunday June 28 and it is 2:02 AM. Yes another early morning post. I have been slowly sleeping a bit more. It seems my medicine might actually be working and my mania is calming down. I am losing a bit of my creativity it seems. I find things to be slowing down a bit at a time and I really am not happy about it. I still don't sleep well, but now I am starting to feel a bit tired when I wake up in the morning. In the mornings I would wake up instantly, rub my eyes and just be fine. Now I get up and have the urge to sleep more.
Funny is the other night I had my phone next to my bed. When I actually got up like before my sister got me up around 1. Funny thing is apparently I must have punched the area where the alarm was going off because my ipod on my ihome was no longer connected to the dock. My body seems to enjoy sleep a bit more once I wake up.
Maybe I will get a good night sleep? Anyway in other news it rained again today and guess what I ran outside in the rain because I liked how it felt. It was fun to run around and get drenched by the downpour and I felt good. Even though I was soaked.
However as you can see journal I have been talking a lot about sexuality and mine. Well late last night after my entry I went on facebook to see someone who I am friends with (although haven't seen in a while) post something that differs from her usual selfie where she wears skimpy outfits.
She posted about how homosexuality is a choice and how its wrong and a sin. She threw out bible quotes and other things and I couldn't help, but be insulted. Here I am questioning things maybe even partially teensy bit coming out of a closet and then I just see how people like her react. Sad thing is other people I knew and was friends with agreed with what she was saying. However on the bright side it was a minority.
Most people were calling her out on how homophobic she was, how ignorant she was being, etc. etc. She acted like she was saying the truth as if she knew what she was talking about. I decided to share a story about someone I knew. Essentially this girl in one of my classes freshman year (who I was friends with) no longer goes to my college. Why? Because her parents abandoned her once they found out about her relationship. They did not approve of how she was dating a female to male transsexual and would no longer pay for her education, let her live with them, etc. She had to beg her family to let her stay in college for another semester.
She ended up having to drop out of school and beg for money hoping people would try and help her out. She was a smart person who had real ambitions and her parents were bigots who could not accept her for who she was. She ended up having to go work jobs and pay for her own food, shelter, and medicine. Who does that to their child?
The way she spoke sounded like an argument from the Westboro Baptist Church and I was so disgusted that people I knew thought this way. I was more disgusted she believed it and thought it was the word of god.
Personally I don't know if god is real or not. Sometimes I think he is real, sometimes I doubt it. I am more agnostic, but I hate how people throw religion in an argument and it saddens me that religion is this answer to people. I just want to call out how people believe everything from a book written thousands of years ago. I think my view of religion might be better suited for another entry on its on. Probably tomorrow.
Still, it upsets me that here I am questioning everything and this homophobia gets thrown in my face. It makes me so angry and frustrated.
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